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He rolls his eyes. “About you.”

“Really?”

He swipes his hair out of his face. “I was trying to find out more about this procedure she wants to do on you. And what she thinks the magic on you even is.”

“And what does she think?”

“A memory repressor. She’s seen it in other FIs who lived in the Palace – probably to protect the Queen’s secrets.”

I readjust my body on the sand to try to get comfortable again. “I have no idea what memories I would have that would be worth them repressing, or secrets that would be worth protecting.”

“It’s definitely strange. But we’ll get to the bottom of it.” He adds, “Just keep your guard up. I don’t see what she could get out of helping you. And I think she always gets something out of whatever she does. She got to first way before most people even make it to second.”

I nod. But the truth is, I don’t really want to be talking about Meg with him right now.

As I breathe out through my nose, I can see my chest moving. It now feels so exposed, and my breasts seem tiny. I contemplate getting up and putting my clothes back on.

In fact, I can’t see anything I like about my body from here. I used to look fairly healthy and curvy. I lost it all over my five years in Hevalla. I do have some muscle from fishing, but my body looks more fragile than it does strong, my hipbones like stones under my skin. My skin is too tanned and peeling – more evidence of my years of labour under the sun – and the scars at my elbows, still irritated for some reason, are a bright and angry red. Grotesque.

Cosmer exhales, clutching sand and letting it spill out again. “I’m sorry. I’m fucking this up for you. We can just go back to the ship.” He adds, “I didn’t just bring you here to sleep with you, by the way. I just thought you’d like to see the island.”

“I love it, Cosmer,” I tell him, reassuringly. “But maybe let’s just lie here a while.”

He strokes my face. “Whatever you want.”

CHAPTER 21

The People We Become

Ilearn more about his last three years on the ship. He tells me how he properly met Riss when they got assigned as officers on the same mission – and he found her completely insufferable.

“Really?” I ask, grinning.

“Absolutely! She kept bossing everyone around. Even the first officer who was with us. But then we got talking properly at the next morale booster. And I realised she was great.”

I offer him stories of my own, from my three years in Hevalla without him, and it’s like we’re meeting each other for the first time again.

He asks after the people in our village, and we reminisce about the time we rescued Tam Protcher’s flour. A relatively new watcher had left it outside the bakery in the sun, and it was attracting bugs. Protcher was so thankful he made us a cake.

Cosmer asks about Eric, and I tell him he’d been joining me on the fishing boat the last couple of years, and often worked harder than I did.

“Is he still superstitious?” he asks.

“Worse than Old Mother, sometimes.”

I miss them.

I miss them.

I miss them.

I nuzzle into Cosmer’s shoulder while he strokes my hair. Slowly. Like he’s lost in thought.

“I know how you feel,” he says eventually. “I miss my mother, too. Worry about her all the time.”

“You should write to her,” I murmur to his skin. “Let her know you’re alive.”

“I don’t know. I’ve left it too long now, haven’t I?”