Page 99 of True Abandon

While things felt good this afternoon, I still have no idea where we stand. And, now, with him running at the first sight of competition, I’m reminded that Jax is a runner. When the situation gets intense, he walks away.

“We’ll discuss this later.” I swallow and shake my head at the situation. “Right now, I have to figure out how I started something with a guy who was buried in my past, have plans with a man who is supposed to be a step ahead into my new future, and am now face to face with the guy who I was stuck with in the present.”

I bite on my thumbnail. I told Kevin I’d be right out. Still, I can’t just leave Jax and Eric to think the worst of me. My knee hits the side of the counter, making me look down at notice my shaking leg.

“I need to take a walk to think,” I state. Yes, a walk to clear my mind is exactly what I need to do. I pull my shoulders back and adjust my strapless top.

Lani leans forward and grabs my hand. Her hand is incredible soft yet firm, matching the look in her almond-shaped eyes. “You can’t walk unless you clear the path.” Her tone is gentle yet forthright reminding me a lot of her grandmother’s.

A heavy breath releases from my lungs and I take in her words. I relax my shoulders and my body comes down ten notches.

I nod in understanding.

With a deep breath, I walk out the back doors and straight toward the Birds of Paradise.

Kevin is seated at a table in the back corner. When I reach the chair beside him, I motion to see if it’s okay if I take a seat. He nods, his narrow chin moving slowly, so I sit down.

He’s the first to speak. “Guess I succeeded in my surprise.”

His icebreaker relaxes my nerves. I tilt my head and offer him a smile. “You sure know how to wow a girl. Why didn’t you call me ahead of time?”

“Good question.” He runs his palms over his eyes. “We broke up. Is that a simple enough answer?” There’s laughter in his face yet his eyes are downcast in a slight sadness. “Actually when I found out you were here I almost didn’t come.”

“You didn’t want to see me?”

“The opposite.” He leans down and scratches his calf, while his gaze averts to the side as if he’s unsure if he should have uttered those words. “When you left, it felt pretty open ended. You said you needed space. I gave it to you. I just hoped…I don’t know. I thought you just needed time. I didn’t expect to see you with another guy.”

I sigh and run my hand along the teak table. It’s smooth to the touch except for a small crack in the wood. When I left New York, I broke up with Kevin by saying I needed a break. What I really meant was I wanted to break up.

“It was a chicken’s way out. I couldn’t handle being the bad guy. I didn’t realize how cruel that was.”

He bangs his fist lightly on the table and looks up. “I was gonna come a few months ago but was hoping you’d reach out first. Guess I would have been waiting forever.”

“I was hoping you’d move on.” I smash my lips together as I watch him squeeze his palm.

“From you? We had two years together. It was fun, wasn’t it?”

“It was. Walks on the Highline and concerts in the park—”

“Hiking in New Paltz and working together, hanging out with friends…” he says and then adds, “I emailed Kelli. She knew I was coming. She said you’d be happy to see me.”

I shake my head in surprise that Kelli didn’t give me the heads up. “I am excited to see you.”

He plays with his napkin. “You know what I mean. It was pretty stupid. You said you needed space and moved to Hawaii. I can’t believe I’m such an idiot.”

“You’re a great man, Kevin. There wasn’t a day that I didn’t feel cherished and protected by you.”

His head raises, as do his eyes. “Then why did you throw it away?”

“Because I don’t deserve you. I gave my heart away a long time ago and never got it back. I tried because my mind knows you’re a great man and I’d be the luckiest girl in the world to spend my life with you. But my heart would never be in it. That’s a terrible thing to do to you. It’s a terrible thing to have done to you. I’m sorry.”

He lifts the sugar holder and plays with the packets of Splenda. His chest lifts with an inhale that only comes when you’re deep in thought. I sit and wait for him to work out whatever it is going on inside his head.

“I felt it, you know,” he says. “You pulling away. Even when we were at our happiest, it always felt like there was a piece of you I wasn’t getting.” He throws a packet onto the table. “I feel like a fool.”

“Why?”

“Because my heart says you.” His jaw tightens as his gaze flicks to the side and stays there as if afraid to look at me. “Shit. This is not how this was supposed to go.” The look on his face breaks my soul.