Page 56 of Carver’s Craving

“Sure. Except I didn’t. Especially since I lost my mother. And then I started working with Styx’s band—” My entire body went still.

Justin cocked his head.

“Oh wow. I never pieced that together.”

“Care to share?” He offered a tentative smile—as if he wasn’t certain what this revelation might bring.

I rubbed my forehead. “I met Styx and his band seven years ago. They were still in high school. Just sixteen. Definitely…untouchable. Frank’s father was really supportive of the group and got them a few small gigs. I was looking for some freelance work to keep me busy—and willing to work below my normal rate. Anyway, I met this band and—” I swallowed. “This makes me sound like a pervert.”

“Sixteen is pretty close to adulthood. I’m going to go out on a limb and say you didn’t do anything…?”

“Nope.” I shook my head vehemently. “And I never did later, either. Firstly—their age. Secondly—” I let out another deep breath. “I thought Styx was…on something? I don’t know if that’s the right way of putting it. He was sort of…manic. That’s not a clinical diagnosis, to make it very clear. He had a ton of energy. More, I felt, than was warranted by the singing gigs. At times, getting him to focus was impossible. Frank and Baxter—the other band members—kept Styx in check enough to do the shows.”

“And this bothered you because…?”

“Because my mother—” I swallowed. “I hadn’t planned to go over that part of my life.”

“You can go where the story takes you—as long as you’re comfortable.”

“Yeah…okay. My mother was a classic manic/depressive. I know they call it bipolar now. But that doesn’t capture her as well as mania and depression. I didn’t have a lot of stability growing up. Now, I loved my mom. Really loved her. I did everything I could for her. When she committed suicide—” My breath hitched.

Justin nodded.

“Right. So, like, in my early twenties, she killed herself. The rollercoaster ride was finally over for me. I swore I’d never be around someone who was like that again. And I kept that promise. Styx—by the time he was twenty-two—made me want to change my mind. As much as he grew up before my eyes, I also changed. I learned to work around his antics. Hell, some I even found endearing. Now, I was thirty-six at that time, and would never say anything.”

“Okay.”

“Then the tragedy happened, I moved, I started fresh, and I put Styx out of my mind.”

Justin cocked his head. “How was that working?”

“If you’d asked me on Thursday, I would’ve said just fine.”

“Friday you installed the app.”

“Before breakfast. Then I checked it at lunch and—” I winced. “I found a guy. He sounded perfect. Only in town for a day or two. Wanting to blow off steam…”

“Okay. So you decided to step out of your comfort zone.”

“Right. I went home to take care of my dogs, have a shower, and then head back into town to meet this random guy. But I kept us literally in the dark. Like I couldn’t see his face and he couldn’t see mine and I was so focused on that, I didn’t pay attention to any other signs.”

Justin frowned. “Signs?”

“Like that, in retrospect, his voice was familiar. The way he spoke. I don’t know—” I rubbed my forehead. “All of it. I just…focused on the fact I was going to have sex for the first time in a very, very, very long time.”

“That sounds like a pretty serious precaution. Did you plan to do that every time you hooked up? Do you want to explain why?”

A shudder ran through me at the memory. Still, I’d sworn to be honest. I took a deep breath. “I met a guy. Back in a Toronto gay bar. I thought we hit it off, and we hooked up. Pretty soon, though, thing felt off. He, uh—” You can do this. “Got obsessed with me. Not just me as a gay man…but me as a Black gay man. He…fetishized me? Is that the right way to put it?”

“I think I understand and I can definitely see why you would find that disturbing.”

“Yeah.” I nodded. “And he kept turning up at the same bars where I hung out. I tried to vary my routine but, in the end, I pretty much gave up on bars and stuck to apps. Anonymous. You can do that in Toronto—not so much in Mission City. So, yeah, Styx couldn’t see my face.”

To my relief, Justin didn’t comment beyond that.

“And…we had sex. Good sex. Hell, great sex. Maybe even the best ever. I slipped out and left. I figured that was that. He was leaving town. A repeat felt out of the question because I didn’t want to get emotionally involved with anyone—I’m still too much of a—” I halted.

“Of a…?”