Page 36 of The Way the Heart Breaks: Jade’s Story

I apologized. He just shook his head and then shrugged and went back to working. When I went inside, A-freaking-Manda was standing in the kitchen window. She’d seen it all, of course. She looked at me with disgust and told me Ry had told her that he’s nice to me because you were his best friends and told me he would obviously never be interested. She told me he said, “She looks just like them.”

In case you forgot, that’s what Janet said at the mall. It hurt then, and hearing he said the same thing hurt even worse.

I mean, we are all seriously good-looking, but… anyway, there’s that.

I know, I know, I made it weird. Possibly screwed things up. I hope not.

If you two were here, I never would have done that.

Song: Price of Love

April 1991

A-freaking-Manda… was hiding a pregnancy. Like seriously, how?! I mean, she started layering clothes and never took off her winter coat, always saying she was freezing in that shack they live in. It’s no shack. Their house is amazing, a log cabin with a two-story fireplace. Doesn’t matter; all that matters is baby Anthony is a miracle—Aunt Maggie says so—he’s 27 weeks, and every day he gains weight. She is legit insane. Ry won’t say, but Becca is sure she started that fire to get moved to another home. Jane and Danny have custody of Anthony, and she’s going to college in Florida, where her bio dad lives, after she graduates. Yeah, she’s going to finish high school at Auburn. Good riddance.

Song: Without You

August 1991

I turned sixteen, an age you two never got to experience. I pretended to be sick. Dad made me get my permit, anyway. He said it’s a rite of passage, one in which I wish I could pass on. Ry brought over ice cream cake that Jane made, and even after the awkwardness since NYE, we played Gin Rummy.

Mom sent a birthday card. No return address. No Name, just six words. ‘I think about them every day.’ Them. Not Jason and Jasper. Just them. No mention of the two of us living this life still, missing you both as much.

Dad was working late, so I walked to the creek bank and cried.

Ry showed up out of nowhere, held up the card, and said, “I saw this and thought you’d need a friend.”

Friend… I’ll take that. Then he hugged me.

I laughed when I pulled back, and he looked afraid. “I promise I’m not going to try to kiss you ever again.”

We played Gin Rummy until Dad got home. I won.

Song: Heart of The Matter

September 1991

The summer flew by; I worked five, sometimes six days a week with Aunt Josie, and you should know, I have enough money saved to buy a car. I mean a real shitty one, because Tessa, Alex, Ry, and I go to the movies almost every week just to do something other than work. Ry and Alex are driving, and Ry has a big black truck. We don’t take that truck to the movies. It’s a gas and oil hog. Alex refuses to let him drive it. He’s pissed at the guy who sold it to him, but Ryan’s as stubborn as they come and refuses to sell it and get something less… leaky.

We go to Auburn instead of Ithaca. They obviously decided on it without me. I know it’s because they don’t want me to run into… her.

We alternate who picks. Works out well for Tessa and me since we have the same taste in movies. We saw Pretty Woman, and Alex was not happy with that choice. But he got us back; next time we watched Total Recall. We thought we were getting them back with Ghost, but that kind of backfired. The ride home was quiet. Not that I want either of you doing pottery with me, not like they did anyway, but I know each of us wishes we could just have another hour with you two.

In case you haven’t figured it out, this… emptiness doesn’t go away; in fact, I think that empty hole gets… emptier. I thought of something the other day that brought me some peace. I decided I don’t want to fill that hole; I want it to stay big and open. I don’t want to fill it. It’s not an empty feeling; it’s an emotion; it’s missing you two. No other person in this world ever could fill that spot. I would never want anyone to, because I was lucky enough to call you brothers, and that doesn’t go away or die. That’s forever.

The song I chose for you, because I know you’d love it just to annoy me.

Do Me, by Bel Biv DeVoe

For me…

Song: Fly To the Angels- Slaughter.

November 1991

We cleaned the Camp tonight, which was a ploy to get Ry there for a birthday get-together. He’s avoided birthdays since, well, since you two had to go. I made him a cake, chocolate with peanut butter frosting, all from scratch. And you could totally tell. Three layers, all leaning to the left. He didn’t hate that we sang to him, but he did refuse the candles. We obliged.

Song: Opposites Attract