Page 37 of The Way the Heart Breaks: Jade’s Story

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’92

Jade

New Year’s Eve started the same way as last year; we rode to The Spot. We even convinced Aunt Josie to have a band. Aunt Josie, Aunt Maggie, Tessa, Becca, Kendall, Molly, and I danced. It felt so good. When a slow song came on. Aunt Josie grabbed Dad, Uncle John, and Aunt Maggie; Jake and Tessa; Alex and Kendal. Becca’s crush, Josh, was there with his family. Her face was priceless when he asked her to dance. Well, that left me.

Until Ry took pity on me and we danced to Keeper of the Stars. He looked over my head most of the time, but I was sure that when he did look at me, there was something different in his eyes, sweeter, softer.

When we got back and parked the snowmobiles in the barn, everyone else was already back, and the grown-ups were heading to the house. Jake and Kendall and Tessa and Alex were in the barn waiting on us, and me, I was on the struggle bus with a stuck zipper. Ry helped get it unstuck. I thought, when he lingered, he was feeling the same thing I was. The shift in the air. So of course, I did it again; this time it took him a few seconds to pull away.

I apologized, and he just shrugged and began taking off his snowpants. “Can’t happen, Jade.”

“I know, sorry. I think I just got wrapped up in⁠—”

“It’s all good.”

The rest of the night, he was good enough to act like it didn’t happen.

Since then, I’ve hardly seen him.

Maybe it’s because I’m spending too much time at The Spot, because I’m sort of going through a country music phase.

Song: It Matters to Me- Faith Hill

June 1992

You both should have graduated today. Ryan and Alex, too. We held a little graduation for the two of you.

Dad thought it might be too hard for everyone. Maybe it was. But leaving the moment empty felt worse. We set folding chairs in the yard near the woods. Molly made diplomas on Aunt Josie’s typewriter.

Kendall and Tessa picked wildflowers and tied ribbons around them.

Ryan wore Jason’s old baseball cap and a T-shirt he and Becca made with both their numbers on it.

Alex spoke more tonight than he has in years. Actual full sentences.

We told stories, choosing to focus on the good rather than the bad. There were so many more of those moments, so it wasn’t hard.

For the first time since that day in September, nobody looked emotionally wrecked talking about you two. Sad still, of course, but missing you is now less painful, well, when we’re together. anyway.

Now, sitting here beside the burned tree, flowers finally growing back through ash, music drifting from the radio, I realized healing probably doesn’t happen all at once, but it does, in fact, happen.

Song: She Talks to Angels

July 1992

Tessa, Becca, and I are playing field hockey this year. And guess what? Ryan and Alex are playing Football.

And yes, I will still cheer for Ryan, even though it stings a bit that he didn’t kiss me back. But he and Alex? Apparently, they go to Cortland and Ithaca a lot and do more than kissing with the college girls there.

Doesn’t matter. Tessa and I have plans. We’re going to be seniors after all. I’m not going to hide anymore; I’m going to bust out of the armor I have placed around myself. Starting next week. Why next week? I’m glad you asked. Aunt Josie is taking us to see Pearl Jam, freaking PEARL JAM!

Anthony update! He’s home now!

Song: Alive- Pearl Jam

Summer 1992