Page 75 of The Secret Diary of Anne de Bourgh

“When I furnish my country house, I shall hope to have the benefit of your judgment,” he added. “I believe you would prevent me making a great many foolish purchases.”

I laughed and said that he ought not to trust my taste so far. But he answered that he should be very willing to trust it, and there was something in his manner which made me uncertain how to reply.

He was speaking quite easily of a house he had not yet bought, as though it were natural that I should help him decide what belonged in it.

I began to wonder how much else he supposed we should choose together.

Elizabeth asked me this afternoon whether I had enjoyed the evening. We were alone, and after I had told her about the dancing and Kitty’s pleasure in the compliments, she asked more particularly about Mr Byerly.

I said that he had been very attentive.

“Does that please you, Anne?” she asked.

I took some time to answer. I did not wish to complain of him, for he had done nothing wrong. At last I explained that I liked him, and was trying to know him better, but that I was not certain I wished to marry him.

“Has he asked you?”

“No,” I said. “But I think he may be considering it.”

Elizabeth looked thoughtful.

“Then perhaps we ought to consider what you would wish to say.”

I told her that I did not know. Everybody thought well of him, and I could understand why. Richard believed that he would make me happy. I had hoped that, if I encouraged him, I might discover that I felt more than I did at first.

“And have you?” Lizzy asked gently.

“I am more comfortable with him. I should be sorry not to see him again. But I do not know whether that is enough.”

She did not laugh at my uncertainty, or tell me that I ought to know my own mind by now. Instead, she asked whether I wished for more time.

I said that I did. There are so many things I have scarcely begun to discover, and so few people I have known well. I should like to go to London, and meet more of the world, before deciding where and with whom I must spend the rest of my life.

Saying it aloud made me feel both selfish and relieved.

Elizabeth thought it very reasonable, and suggested that we speak to Darcy. She intimated that she suspected Mr Byerly might plan to speak before he left for London, and that it might be wise to be prepared. I told myself not to become alarmed by this, and we went to Darcy’s study together.

I was a little afraid that he would be disappointed in me. He has given Mr Byerly so much of his time, and plainly likes him. But when I explained myself, he listened very gravely.

“I do think well of Byerly,” he said when I had finished. “But my opinion of him cannot determine your feelings, Anne.”

I told him that I had not meant to encourage expectations I could not fulfil.

“You have been willing to receive his attentions,” Darcy replied. “That is not a promise to marry him. It is better that he should understand your uncertainty than that you should accept him merely because you are afraid to disappoint him.”

I was very grateful to hear this, although I still felt uneasy.

Darcy said he would speak to Mr Byerly if occasion required it. Elizabeth remained beside me throughout, and did not attempt to answer any question on my behalf.

I am glad that they allowed me to explain.

I wish I had found the courage to do it sooner.

18 September

Darcy asked to speak to me this afternoon.

I knew almost at once what the matter must be. Mr Byerly had called earlier, and had spent some time with him before joining the rest of us.