Page 140 of In Between Death and the Devil

I swallowed. She was right, but I had no idea how.

“Close your eyes,” she said, sensing my distress. “And concentrate on the place where you usually draw power from.”

I did as she said, my eyelids sliding shut. When I drew power, it always seemed to come from a spot in the center of my chest. I remembered the way it spilled out the first time, how in the beginning I was so desperate to stop it. All that was there now was a void. “There’s nothing there.”

“What about your connection with Fen. Can you sense that at all?”

Something pulled in my chest, trying to flicker to life, but it was immediately doused by pain. I’d been purposely avoiding thinking about him, because every time I did the sting was unbearable. “I can’t. I—I don’t want to.”

“He really did a number on you, didn’t he?”

I couldn’t cry in this form, but my head drooped. “Did you know about his addiction to pain?”

“Yes. I’ve seen him feed.” There was no judgment in her voice which made my head whip up.

“How can you be so calm about it?”

“It’s not always a bad thing. If he doesn’t take too much or do it maliciously it can help souls heal.”

I hadn’t thought about it that way. “But he does hurt souls with it.”

“Addiction isn’t straightforward. In the World of the Living, I had a brother who was addicted to alcohol. He did some terrible things as a result, but he wasn’t a bad person at heart. He was just ill. It tortured him as much as it did everyone else.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. I’d felt what Fen had while he was feeding on Colt, and I’d been in his head in the memory with Talia. All I’d been able to concentrate on was his feeling of euphoria at someone else’s pain, but that hadn’t been the only emotion in play. Besides, Death fed on souls, too, but when she did there was no intent of helping them. She used them, plain and simple.

“You didn’t answer my question before,” Sasha said. “Do you want to go back?”

“I did answer. It’s not a matter of want. If I don’t go back, the In Between keeps straining, Death continues to feed on souls, and my friend, Titus...” I had no idea what had happened to him after I left. If he was still alive, the only way I could potentially heal him was if I became Death.

“Those are all reasons you need to go back for other people. Maybe the reason you can’t transform back is because you don’t have a reason to go back for you.”

She was right. If I went back, it would be for other people. For the realm. Because it was my fate. I was willing to because I was needed, not because I wanted to be Death. I didn’t. Taking responsibility for all the souls that passed through, and the souls who’d come to the In Between to serve, wasn’t something I was convinced I could do, despite what Fen thought.

A throbbing ache spread through my entire body as I thought about him, and not the pleasant kind. He was what I’d wanted. A partner in life and love. Being Death felt doable if I was doing it with him, but he’d shattered that desire when he kept his addiction and so much of his power from me. I still didn’t understand that part, why he would sabotage my chances of defeating Death. How could I ever trust him after this?

“I don’t want to be Death.”

“I know. I didn’t want to be either.” The understanding in her voice loosened words I’d been holding so close I hadn’t known they were there.

“A friend once told me I didn’t trust myself, and she was right.” The thought of Bea made me both want to smile and cry. “I don’t trust myself to be what people need.”

“Why?”

“Because I keep making the same mistake over and over, choosing to trust people who don’t deserve it.” First Colt, then Fen.

“Is it that you don’t trust your own judgment when it comes to other people? Or is it that you don’t trust yourself to handle it when things get tough?”

The rock we stood on suddenly felt too hot. I wanted to tell her it wasn’t true, but I couldn’t. Hearing it like that made me question everything. Was that really what I was afraid of?

Colt’s betrayal had been compounded by the death of my family, and I’d spent years blaming myself for my stupidity in not realizing he was using me, and for transferring his death to them. It was in some ways easier than facing my reality—not only living without them but being committed to the Order of Death as a punishment. Rather than find purpose in my new life or heal so I could move on, I chose to flog myself by reliving their death over and over. It was a routine that felt safe in a way. Predictable. I knew the feelings I would face every time.

And here I was, refusing to face what had happened. Running away. Again. It was easier to see Fen as a villain than to give him a chance to explain, because what if he was able to? I didn’t know if I could handle his addiction or be the partner he needed. I was afraid I couldn’t, and what kind of person would that make me?

“What if I can’t handle it?”

“I think you underestimate yourself, but you won’t know unless you try.” She moved towards the water, nudging me gently as she passed. Then she slipped in for a swim.

The spot at the center of my chest where my connection to Fen lived was still empty. If Sasha was right, it would stay empty until I found a reason to go back for me. I had no idea what that might be, but I did know one thing.