Page 16 of Relapse

Her eyes fluttered closed. She leaned in. Why did I feel like she wanted to kiss me too?

The remnants of Silas’ voice teased my memory, still reminding me of how filthy I was:

“You can kiss her, dance with her, fuck her—I don’t care.”

I was tainted.

Resisting the urge, I pressed a gentle kiss to her cheek instead, before pulling back from her. I knew instantly that the moment was gone along with the picture of Silas in my mind.

“Goodnight, Delane.” I straightened my posture some, but inside my confidence slumped down to the very asphalt beneath my feet.

Delane was stunned and I felt bad for leaving her hanging. I wanted to kiss her just as much as she wanted me to, and I fucked up. I shouldn’t be surprised that I ruined something important, yet again.

“I’m sure I’ll see you at school,” I muttered, failing to fill the awkward space with conversation that actually mattered.

She nodded, turning slowly away. “Goodnight, Noah.”

I jogged in front of her quickly, opening the car door for her.

“T-thank you,” she stumbled over her words, before climbing in.

“No thanks necessary,” I said, waiting until her seatbelt was secure before reaching my hand out to her.

Tentatively, she reached forward and I clasped her delicate hands between my own. Squeezed.

“I should be thanking you,” I said. “Thank you for staying with me during all of this.”

Delane inhaled sharply, her eyes never leaving mine. Her thumb brushed the top of my hand.

“I wouldn’t have left you.”

I swallowed. Every passing second made it harder to resist the urge to kiss her.

Surfacing as barely a whisper, I blurted, “I don’t deserve you.”

The words formed without my permission.

Her eyebrows furrowed.

“Goodnight Delane,” I said again quickly, before my mouth decided to act on its own accord for a second time.

Her lips parted slightly, as though she might say something, but she only nodded. Her eyes flicked from mine, staring at the floorboard. I released her hand, and shut the door with a hollow click.

This was best, my brain chanted. She was worth more than I could ever amount to. I wasn’t worth even a fraction of her value. Delane deserved someone who didn’t have to deal with this sort of fucked up bullshit.

I had just headed back to the front doors of the hospital when the sharp, metallic slam of the car door opened and closed again. I froze, and looked over my shoulder. Delane was crossing the distance between us, striding forward with purposeful steps back to me.

DELANE

I had imagined kissing Noah so many times. Tonight, mostly, but also before. At the movies when he asked for my number. At school, when he completely turned down Chelsea’s advances. Maybe the feeling went all the way back, to the night when he saved me, back when I began to consider him my hero.

I never allowed the desire to take over. Never acted on it. I was close a few times, but I never followed through.

Tonight would not be the same.

“Wait,” I told the driver before he started to pull the car away. “I forgot something.”

I didn’t hesitate. I ripped off the seat belt and opened the door, slamming it closed a bit too hard as I stepped out.