Page 65 of Relapse

I turned on him, eyes flaring. “Calm down? Fuck you!”

I had never felt so angry before. And for what? For David? I couldn’t even place my emotions or why it mattered to me. My mind wasn’t making coherent thoughts and seeing the shock on Silas’s face made the tears wade over the barrier, spilling down my cheeks. I clutched my chest and I knew I could feel the words coming. I didn’t know why I had to say them. Nine year old me was still in there somewhere, pulling at my heart with invisible strings, dragging himself forward, into my chest, begging me to scream.

So I did.

“He’s still my father, goddammit!”

The sharp intake of breath that Silas took was audible. I knew he didn’t expect that one. Shit, neither did I. I didn’t know where that pull came from, but it was so strong. I was still feeling the aftermath of that word leaving my lips: father. I had meant it when I said it, and my soul still shook from the pain and torment it caused.

The tears continued to flow, much like the first time Silas and I were together. No matter what I did, I couldn’t stop the sobs or the shakes.

I was so broken. Fuck, I just wanted to stop being this disjointed puzzle.

Silas captured my shoulders, rocking me gently. “Please, Raven, please—”

But it was too late. I didn’t want his apology. Nothing was going to fix this. Nothing could make this better. I knocked his arms away, blocking him a few times as he attempted to clutch me closer. “Just stop. I’m leaving. I’m done.”

The fire in Silas returned. “The fuck do you mean, ‘You’re done’?”

“You know exactly what I mean,” I growled. “Us. This whole shit show is over.” I licked my parched lips. My throat was sandpaper. “And it should have never started.”

“You don’t mean that,” he hissed.

A sound of disgust left my mouth. What the fuck was I even waiting around for? I went for the door and almost instantly, Silas grabbed my wrist. “You’re not leaving.”

There were only so many orders my body was willing to take.

“Oh yeah?”

Silas’s lips curled, his grip tightening. “That’s what I fucking said.”

And I couldn’t really tell why, but part of me didn’t want to leave. A low and deep part of me was shrieking at me to stay, to understand, to talk. Just fucking talk. Tell him why this is so fucked. Tell him and he’ll listen.

Wouldn’t he?

Instead, my mind impeded me with new words. This is toxic. He doesn’t care about you. He wants to hurt you like everyone else does. Because you’re fucking useless.

You fucked this man and he betrayed you. Just like everyone else in your life who you care about betrays you.

I’d push Silas away now, for good. My first layer of protection was banishment. And it was my specialty.

I wrenched my arm out of Silas’s grasp, laughing. “You think I need you? I don’t need you in my life!”

A buzz came from the right of us, and my eyes shot to it. My cell.

“What did you just say to me?”

I reached over the table, aiming to seize the phone, when Silas apprehended my hand in a death grip.

“Fucking look at me,” he ordered.

My eyes shot to his on impulse. Good boy. Obedient. I inwardly seethed, but I couldn’t look away.

Silas leaned in until our noses were touching. “Say that again.”

My resentment seeped upwards, like vomit. My mouth opened, despite the clenching pain in my chest, and the poison once again relinquished through my parted lips.

“I don’t fucking need—”