Page 128 of While I’m Still Here

Danny immediately stands. “Excellent. Pub?”

The nurse's smile widens. Marcus rises beside him and reaches for my folder. “You're not going to the pub.”

“I wasn't asking you, Cancer Yoda.”

Their stupid argument does exactly what Danny intended. I breathe, then I let go of Colin. “All right,” I whisper. Colin stands. Marcus picks up my bag. Danny tucks Margaret beneath his arm, and my three-man honour guard follows me through the door.

* * *

There is a point when they can't come any farther.

I knew there would be, but knowing doesn't help. By then I'm wearing a hospital gown and compression stockings that have eradicated whatever remained of my sexual dignity after last night. I've answered the same questions several times, had various checks done, spoken to people whose names I immediately forgot because my brain has become a locked room containing nothing except the words THEY ARE TAKING MY BREASTS TODAY.

I am trying to make jokes. The jokes are getting worse. Danny knows. He crouches in front of me while Colin and Marcus stand nearby, and for once there isn't even the beginning of a smile on his face. “Hey,” Danny says softly.

“I don't want to.”

“I know.”

“I really, really don't want to.”

“I know, Bea.”

My eyes fill. “Can you make a joke now?”

Danny's face crumples for half a second, then he rallies. “Your arse looks phenomenal in that gown.”

A laugh escapes me. It’s wet and pathetic. Exactly what I needed. “Liar.”

“I can see at least forty percent of it. I'm working with available data.”

“Fucking idiot.”

Danny smiles and reaches for my hand. He kisses my knuckles before adding, much more quietly, “I'll be here when you come back.”

My throat closes. “Promise?”

Danny's smile disappears completely. “I promise.”

I pull him towards me.

He hugs me carefully, and I bury my face against his neck. For all his jokes, Danny holds me without making a single one. His palm moves slowly over my back, and when he finally pulls away, he kisses my forehead before whispering, “Go get rid of the murderous cunt. I'll look after Margaret.”

“She's mine.”

“I'll protect her with my life.”

“You bought her forty minutes ago.”

“Our bond is profound.”

“I love you,” I tell him.

He inhales and blinks at me. “I love you too, James.”

Then Marcus steps towards me. Marcus doesn't tell me not to be scared because he knows exactly how useless that would be. “I can't do it,” I whisper.

Marcus's eyes hold mine. “You can.”