Page 129 of While I’m Still Here

“I thought you weren't supposed to tell people that.”

“I'm not telling you not to be frightened.” Marcus takes my hand and closes both of his hands around it. “I'm telling you that you can be frightened and still go.”

I stare at him. “What if I panic when they take me through?”

“Then panic.”

“What if I cry?”

“Cry.”

“What if I ask them to stop?”

“Then they'll listen to you and talk to you.”

“What if I wake up and hate it?”

Marcus doesn't hesitate. “Then hate it. You don't have to be good at this, Bea,” Marcus says, his thumbs moving slowly over my knuckles. “You don't have to wake up grateful. You don't have to look immediately. You don't have to make anybody feel better about what this costs you. Just wake up.”

I nod. “That's your only job,” Marcus adds. “Wake up.”

I throw my arms around him, and Marcus catches me immediately. “I'll see you after?” I ask against his chest.

His arms tighten. “I'll see you after.”

When I pull away, I kiss him. It's soft and brief, and thankfully nobody makes it strange. I don’t tell him I love him because that’s too soon. “I really like you,” I tell him instead.

“Ditto,” he replies.

Then there's Colin, and suddenly I can't fucking breathe. Colin sees it happen. “Bea.”

“No.” I shake my head.

“Come here.”

“No, because if I hug you, I'll cry.”

“You're already crying.”

“Fuck you.”

“I love you too.”

I go to him. Of course I do. Colin wraps both arms around me, and every piece of bravery I've manufactured since five o'clock this morning disintegrates.

“I don't want to lose them,” I sob into his chest.

Colin presses his face into my hair. “I know.”

“I know I have to, but I don't want to.”

“I know.”

“I want to go home.”

“I know, Bea.”

“I want yesterday back.”