Page 59 of Golden Ruin

Anger.

But only toward myself.

“You’ve gotta be shitting me.”

I run a hand down my face and let out a sigh, determined to get her out of my head. My first thought is to reach toward the nightstand for my phone, and after a few clicks, naked bodies brighten the screen—two women moaning as they touch each other.

I stroke myself through my underwear, breathing heavier as I try to get into it, thinking I can shift my focus away from her. But my head’s spinning, continuing to drift in the one direction I don’t want it to.

“What the fuck?” I grumble, lowering my waistband to free my dick as I stare at the phone screen without blinking. But the kind of porn that used to be enough to get me off… is doing absolutely nothing for me now.

I look down again, and I’m completely soft. That should be a good thing, but it isn’t. Because the moment I turn off the video, my thoughts take me right back to Lexi, and I’m hard as a fucking brick all over again.

I rake my fingers through my hair, knowing things are already so far out of hand, but I’m desperate tonight, in need of just a small bit of relief to get me through. So, after fighting it with everything in me, I do the very thing I know I shouldn’t.

I give in.

The second I let go, allowing myself to slip into a fantasy with the one woman who should be completely off limits to me, my dick swells in my hand. My body relaxes as my head sinks deeper into the pillow. A trickle of pre-cum runs down to my hand, making my fist glide up and down easily as my chest rises faster.

Her face flashes into my head again. She saw the tattoo. I saw her eyes lower to it, saw how she froze when she realized I didn’t erase her.

With my eyes closed, it’s like she’s here. I feel her heat, smell her hair, hear her let out a soft breath near my ear. We’re back in my dorm, back when things were easy between us, back when I didn’t feel so fucking guilty about how easily she turned me on.

She touches my chest and runs her palm down my stomach. My body reacts, imagining my hand is hers, and I’m already close. It’s actually pitiful how fast the memory gets me there, but it was always like that with her.

Free, hot, explosive.

“Fuck.”

An orgasm builds like a tight coil in my gut that’s ready to snap. I turn my head to the side, wishing her lips were there waiting. I finish hard, shooting cum across my chest and stomach. It’s scary how close I am to her name leaving my mouth, but I stop it, biting down on my lip to keep it in.

My chest heaves as reality slowly settles back in, replacing the fantasy. The silence in the room feels so fucking loud, more accusing now that I’ve officially proven why keeping distance between us matters.

Because no matter how badly I want to believe I’ve moved on and there’s nothing between Lexi and me but friendship… my body already knows that’s not true.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Sterling

The truck idles in the garage while I read Cliff’s Text.

Cliff: Any update on Spain? This opportunity won’t be around forever.

My head drops back, and I stare out the windshield at nothing in particular. Had this come up a month ago, I would’ve accepted it without a second thought. But now, everything’s completely turned on its head, and I can’t seem to bring myself to give Cliff a solid answer to save my life.

He keeps thinking he can sway me by adding perks or pointing out what the exposure will do for my career, but that’s because he doesn’t understand what’s really at stake.

I’m at war with myself, struggling with the pros and cons of leaving.

Pro: leaving would be a clean way of reestablishing distance between me and Lexi.

It’s been three days since she walked in on me. Three days since a fantasy left me feeling shame deeper than I’ve felt in years.

Con: If I go, I wouldn’t be around to help with Jax.

Now that he’s back in school, I like being able to help with drop-offs and pick-ups when my schedule allows.

Pro: Lexi gets to move forward with her life without me hovering.