Page 61 of The Christmas Letter

‘I’m guessing you don’t, then,’ Theo said shrewdly.

‘I’m glad I went,’ Jack said by way of a non-answer.

‘Well, it’s got to be better than here,’ Theo muttered.

And Jack could remember that feeling. There were beautiful spots around here, especially on the coastline on a nice day, but there were also rough parts, and it could feel far away from anything. When Jack had first moved here, he’d preferred the Devon he’d grown up in – the countryside, all that open space, rather than the suburban feel of this place, and while he’d had friends and grown to like hanging out on the beach on a nice day, daring each other to swim even when it was cold, trying to get into one of the many student haunts before they were old enough, really he’d always been waiting to leave. To get away, start his life, leave the past well and truly behind. He was surprised that Theo hated it so much, though. He smiled slightly. ‘Not keen on it here then?’

‘It’s alright.’ It was said with another careless shrug, but there was something lurking there below the surface.

‘Well, you can come visit me in London sometime, if you like.’

Theo frowned at him – they were almost the same height now – and Jack felt the back of his neck grow hot.

He rubbed at it. ‘I mean, if you want to get a feel for the place or whatever. Have you been?’

A headshake.

‘Well, I could show you around. See if it’s somewhere you like, for the future.’

Theo smiled then, and it added a vulnerability to his face. ‘Yeah, ok. When?’

‘Ah . . .’ Jack hadn’t expected that – he’d expected Theo to turn him down, ask what they’d do, what they’d talk about.

He was stupid, he realised, for not having made more of an effort before now. He thought of what Holly had said to him in Windsor Park. If it were my sister, I’d give anything to be invited to her birthday again. Holly had lost it, that sibling connection, and was still clearly grieving for it.

‘Come whenever,’ he said decisively. ‘I’ll take some time off – we can go to all the sights.’

‘I’m not really into museums,’ Theo said in a warning tone.

‘That’s ok, me neither. London has more than museums.’

‘The shops?’ He said it with another glance at Jack’s shoes.

‘Ah yeah, I guess.’

‘And clubs.’ Theo’s voice turned sly and Jack laughed.

‘Nice try. The most you can hope for is a beer with a meal one night.’

‘Fair enough. That’s more than mum lets me have.’ Jack looked over at his mum, who’d come back out onto the patio now, and she glanced away so quickly, Jack felt sure she’d been watching him.

Theo took another burger, then slouched off, getting out his phone and staring down at it.

‘He’s being bullied at school,’ Derek said quietly as he added sausages to the barbecue, along with slices of aubergine that were definitely Jack’s mum’s doing. ‘He doesn’t talk about it much – we had to hear about it from the teacher in the first instance – but some of the boys are being quite nasty, sounds like. We asked him if he wanted to change schools – he gets quite good grades and I think he could move for sixth form – but he said that would be worse, so . . .’ Derek blew out a breath. ‘Anyway, I’m glad he’s got you to talk to – might help to have someone other than me and Rose.’

Jack nodded, not knowing what to say. He hadn’t known. He would make more of an effort, he told himself again. He should be there for Theo – and Mia – if they ever wanted or needed him. And even if they didn’t, wasn’t it his job, as their big brother, to find a way to connect?

‘Mum!’ Jack turned to see Mia coming out the back door, Jess in tow. ‘There is no popcorn. You said you’d get popcorn.’

‘You haven’t even had a burger yet, and we’ve got cake in a bit.’

‘But Jess and I need popcorn.’

‘On the scale of needs that ranks pretty low,’ his mum said dryly.

‘And those fruit cooler things, too,’ Mia carried on, folding her arms now. ‘The ones at the farm shop down the road. Please can you drive us? If we have to stay here all day and night then we need to stock up on supplies.’

‘We are having a family celebration for you, Mia,’ his mum said, and again, her tone, the gritted teeth, was all so familiar, that it made him smile. ‘Besides, I can’t drive. I’ve had too much to drink.’