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The Christmas Letter

Page 62

by Emily Stone

‘You’ve had one glass of Pimm’s!’

‘That’s still too much for me. I’m a lightweight.’

Mia turned to study her dad, who shook his head without even making eye contact, then looked at Jack. Her gaze scrutinised him, in a way that made Jack want to look away. He saw Mia’s eyes light up – weak link. ‘Jack can take us,’ she said decisively.

‘I, ah . . .’ He swallowed. ‘I can, I guess.’

His mum let out an exasperated sigh. ‘Fine.’

‘Great,’ Mia said brightly. ‘We’ll just go and get changed.’

‘Why on earth do you need to get changed?’ his mum asked.

‘Because we might see someone!’ Mia called over her shoulder as she and Jess scampered upstairs again. Jack’s mum looked at Derek, who held up his hands in a don’t ask me gesture.

Jack pulled his keys from his pocket and started to head through the house to wait by the front door.

His mum followed him. ‘Be careful, won’t you?’

He turned to look at her. Did the accident still linger with her, the way it did with him? They’d all been in the car that day. He didn’t remember it, that moment of impact, but he knew that his dad hadn’t been wearing his seatbelt and had gone straight through the window when Emma swerved, crashed. He was the only one who had died, though his grandad had been unconscious for several hours and Emma had concussion and bruises from the airbag. Jack had a cut across his neck from the seatbelt but he and his mum had been relatively unscathed. He could remember his mum running around to his side of the car, getting him out, shielding him with her body. Could remember the way she shook as she held him. He only had a vague sense of the chaos after – the sirens, police, ambulance, people handing out blankets. It hadn’t seemed real. Still didn’t seem real, somehow.

‘I’ll be careful,’ he said. ‘I always am.’

His mum nodded, something unspoken passing between them.

He hesitated for a moment before saying, ‘Emma has cancer.’ He watched her expression. By unspoken agreement, they never talked about Emma. Her eyes flickered, but otherwise her expression stayed neutral. ‘Did you know?’ he pressed.

‘No.’ She pulled a hand through her hair. ‘No, I didn’t know. I don’t run in those circles anymore, you know that.’ She paused. ‘How did you find out? Did she tell you?’

‘No. I don’t speak to her anymore either.’ Both he and his mum, blaming Emma. Because she was driving. Because she’d taken the keys and swerved and hit the tree. He had a flash of that night again. Of Emma’s voice, on edge already, because they were late and his dad was making that known. Of his legs, smacking against her chair.

I told you not to do that, Jack!

He closed down that particular part of the memory, the way he always did.

‘So how did you find out?’

‘I . . . I heard it on the grapevine.’

‘Is it serious, do you know?’

‘Well, it’s cancer.’ A non-answer, both because he didn’t know, and because he didn’t really want to think about it. ‘Do you . . .’ He broke off, started again. ‘Do you think I should get in touch with her?’

‘That’s up to you,’ she said carefully. ‘She’s your grandmother.’ There was the tiniest inflection on your – the fact that he was related to Emma, and she was not.

‘This girl, the person who told me. She reckons I should call Emma, says she wants to see me. But she never tried to get in touch herself, did she? When we moved, she could have tried, so I don’t see why now I should . . .’

His mum winced at that. ‘Jack . . . Look, what happened that night . . . It broke things to a point that I didn’t know how – and I’m not sure I wanted – to repair. I know you know that – you were there. But we all . . . It was something terrible, to come back from, and we all tried to deal with it in the best way we could. For me, that meant starting afresh. But Emma . . . she handled things differently.’ She took a breath, as Mia and Jess started down the stairs. ‘I can’t tell you what to do there – I haven’t spoken to her in a very long time, but I—’

Mia bounded up to them, Jess a step behind. ‘Ready!’ she announced, and Jack opened the front door obediently.

He gave his mum’s arm a friendly squeeze as Mia and Jess headed out in front of him towards his car. ‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘I shouldn’t have brought it up.’

‘Come on,’ Mia cried.

So he went, and when they got to the shop he ended up agreeing to buy them way more than they’d originally asked for, hanging around for a good twenty minutes longer than was necessary.

When they got back home, Mia and Jess got out of the car with all the bags, but Jack stayed sitting there for a little longer. After a few moments, he took out his phone and brought up Holly’s message with Emma’s number. He took a breath, and then called it, feeling his heartbeat quickening with each ring.