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The Christmas Letter

Page 95

by Emily Stone

So Holly plastered a smile on her face as she reached the table. ‘Heading up to dance, Emma? I’m pretty sure I saw Abi’s grandad chatting you up in between courses earlier.’

‘Ah, if I were ten years younger . . .’ Emma wrinkled her nose. ‘Actually, no, not even then. Not my type – too unkempt.’

Holly laughed, while Jack placed a supportive hand on Emma’s shoulder.

‘Where are you going?’ Holly asked.

‘It’s well past my bedtime, I’m afraid.’ Emma took both of Holly’s hands in her own. ‘But it’s been a wonderful day. Abi is lovely, and it means more than you know that you invited me. I never thought I’d go to a wedding again and, well . . .’

Jack dropped his hand away from Emma’s shoulder. Was he thinking of his own wedding day, and the fact that Emma hadn’t been there? Evening had well and truly set in now, and the estate took on a different feel under the night sky. Instead of being peaceful and serene, it felt almost magical, like anything could happen out here, in a hidden corner, with only the stars as witness.

‘I’ll walk you to your room,’ Jack said, and got an impatient huff from Emma.

‘I am perfectly capable of getting there myself, thank you.’ They were all staying on the estate – not far to go. ‘Stay. Drink. Dance. Party. It’s a wedding, for God’s sake.’ And with that and one final, dismissive hand wave, she shuffled off down the gravel path towards the old stone courtyard, where ninety rooms were waiting to welcome tired wedding guests, leaving Jack and Holly standing in the grounds together, the music from the band reaching out from the marquee.

She should go back inside. It was the smart thing – the safe thing – to go to where there was light and noise and dancing. She wasn’t ready to admit to herself why she didn’t move. Why she stayed standing in the garden, under the moonlight, with Jack.

A soft breeze pulled through her hair, which Abi’s hair and makeup artist had managed to tame more than she ever could herself, threading it into a soft plait down her back. She wrapped her arms around herself, the tiniest shiver rolling through her as the wind caressed her skin.

‘You cold?’ Jack asked, immediately shrugging out of his jacket.

‘A little, but it’s ok. It’s nice.’ She looked away from the marquee, towards the woods and the rolling countryside she could no longer see.

‘What is it?’ Jack asked.

‘Nothing,’ Holly said. She glanced at him, saw his expression, patiently waiting. ‘It’s just . . . last time I was at a wedding, I was with Lily. My sister. It was her wedding, I mean.’

He nodded. They’d not talked much about Lily. She supposed they hadn’t had enough time together, to really get into it. There were always more pressing things to discuss. ‘Were you close?’ he asked softly.

‘Yes. But then . . . Can you be that close to someone and then cut them off like that?’ She realised, too late, that the same could be said of him and Emma. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—’

‘No, it’s ok. With Emma, there was a whole host of stuff going on, and I’m not trying to make it ok, but I was a kid and—’

‘So there’s no hope for me and Lily?’ She’d meant for her voice to come out jokey, but it just sounded sad – and a little bitter.

‘No, that’s not what I’m saying.’ He walked away a few steps, then turned back to face her. ‘I wonder, though, if maybe you should take some of the determination you had for me and Emma and apply that to Lily.’

Holly frowned. ‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, you went out of your way to help Emma – to find her, first off, and then to find me. And, well, maybe you could try that hard with Lily. I don’t mean that as a judgement,’ he said quickly. ‘I just meant, if you wanted to, I think you’re more than capable of—’

‘I called her. In Venice. I called Lily.’ She sounded defensive, even as she tried not to.

‘Yeah. But it’s hard, when it’s sprung on you, when you don’t have time to figure out what to say, how to say it. What to feel, even. These things . . . Well, it’s never easy on either side, is it?’ He hesitated. ‘I just can’t help wondering if you blame yourself a little, and that’s why you don’t fight as hard as you could.’

‘I do blame myself,’ Holly said, wrapping her arms tighter around herself and looking down at the ground, at the gravel underfoot.

‘Have you ever thought that maybe Lily might blame herself too?’

She dashed away a tear that had escaped, despite her best efforts. Then she shook her head, and gave herself a little mental shake, too. ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to cry.’ Though she’d done it a fair amount around him already, hadn’t she?

‘That’s ok.’ He gave her a wry smile. ‘Weddings bring up all kinds of emotions.’

She hesitated for a beat. ‘Your wedding?’

He rubbed a hand along the back of his neck. Even with the light from the marquee, he was still too far away for her to make out his expression clearly, so she stepped towards him, off the gravel and onto the grass, her heel sinking softly underfoot. ‘Vanessa and I . . . We sort of just fell into it. She was my friend from university and we moved to London around the same time and it just seemed like we should give it a go, you know?’

She nodded, because it seemed like she should. He looked right at her then, the moonlight catching his face so that she saw the glint of his eyes. She loved those eyes – the depth of brown.