Page 96 of The Christmas Letter

‘But it wasn’t right, Holly. I don’t look back at my wedding and feel sad or angry. I don’t even wish things had been different. We tried, and it didn’t work, and there’s not much I can do about that now.’ He made a face, changed the tone a little. ‘Well, when I’m at my most level, that’s what I tell myself – I won’t pretend I’m always perfect.’

‘Gosh, really?’

‘Hey, no one said you’re perfect either.’

‘I don’t know what you mean,’ Holly said primly. ‘I’m perfect in every way.’

He grinned, though it was only fleeting. ‘The point is, that part of my life is over and I need to figure out how to live the rest of it – because you never know, right?’

Holly nodded. You never knew.

They went quiet for a moment, and the music shifted, another Irish song coming on after Katy Perry.

‘Want to go back in and dance?’ Jack asked.

‘I can’t. What if that guy sees me?’

‘I hate to tell you this, but he probably knew you were lying.’

‘Probably is different to definitely. Besides, no one likes having rejection rubbed in their face.’

‘Dance with me here, then.’ And the way he said it, like it was the most reasonable of suggestions, made it impossible to say no. So she took his hand when he held it out, allowed him to pull her to him.

‘I meant what I said,’ she murmured against his chest. She’d forgotten just how good he smelled, all rustic pine and wood. ‘I don’t have the balance or coordination to dance well.’

He laughed softly. ‘As if I hadn’t noticed that.’

But pressed against him, one of his hands in hers, the other at her waist, she did not feel clumsy. She felt almost graceful, letting him guide her body, not really thinking about where or how to put her feet, thinking only of the way his hand felt in hers, the way her skin pulsed against his touch under the thin fabric of her dress. She’d been pressed against him like this before – but now it was worse, because now her body remembered what it had been like to have nothing but skin between them, to have his chest above hers, to feel his mouth on her neck. Something in her core pulsed and she tilted her head up, found his gaze there, waiting for her.

His thumb circled on the back of her hand. ‘I know this is complicated,’ he said, his voice low, ‘and maybe it can’t go anywhere. But how about we have tonight?’ He spun her away, gently, before pulling her back to him, and making her breath catch. ‘Just tonight,’ he murmured again, before bringing his mouth to hers.

And really, there was no question of doing anything else but kiss him back, of running her hands up his back and into his hair, of reaching up on her toes so she could match the intensity with which he was now kissing her. There was no use pretending. She wanted him. She wanted him and no one else.

So she took his hand, leading him away from the marquee, down the gravel pathway and towards the stone courtyard. It was stupid, anyway, to pretend she hadn’t considered this possibility, hadn’t prepared for it, just in case. Hadn’t hoped for it.

His room was before hers, and they headed to it without question, Jack fumbling with the key a little and making Holly laugh before dragging her inside.

‘Thank fuck for that,’ he said, his mouth against hers as he closed the door, pressed her against it. She laughed again, though it turned to a gasp as he bent to kiss her neck. She dug her fingers into his shoulders, those goddamned impressive shoulders, and a pulse went through her as his hands skimmed down her sides, then ran up her thighs, setting her skin alight. Her dress was bunched at her hips, and she reached down and pulled it up, over her head. He drew back, his eyes even darker than usual, and his gaze scorched her as it travelled slowly over her. He skimmed his thumbs down her sides, slowly, tortuously, before making her let out an embarrassing squeal as he grabbed her hips and literally lifted her off the ground, pressing her further into the door. She hooked her legs around his waist, tilting her head back as he went for her neck again.

‘I feel like this is a bit one-sided,’ she said, her voice halfway to a gasp as he flicked open her bra strap. He laughed against her neck, his breath hot. But she managed to get her hands under his shirt, felt him shudder at the feel of her palms on his stomach.

And when there was nothing but skin between them, when he took her to the bed, finally laying her down, his expression turned softer. He reached up, brushed her hair away from her face. ‘I take it back,’ he murmured. He kissed her one more time before sliding into her, making her gasp. ‘You are perfect.’

No, she wanted to whisper back, you are. She didn’t say it, though, even if it felt perfect in that moment, even as she buried her face in his neck to stop herself crying out.

But there were tears on her face when he pulled away: because of Lily, because of Emma, but most of all, in that moment, because she wanted him and it couldn’t last longer than tonight.

Chapter Thirty-one

Holly woke, bleary-eyed and with sunlight filtering through the blinds, to the sound of her phone vibrating somewhere in the room. Jack’s side of the bed felt cool. Had he snuck out somewhere, while she’d been asleep? Taking the just one night to extremes? It made her heart spasm uncomfortably, even as she tried to push down the sensation. Her phone vibrated again and, swearing silently, she threw the duvet off, scrabbling around for her bag, discarded last night, along with her dress, and retrieved it.

Then she stared at the name on the caller ID.

Lily.

Lily was calling her, right now.

She stared at it again for another ring, then, with a shaking finger, lifted the phone to her ear.