Page 52

I was happy that his ass was dead too though, and figured my mom would go back to being how she used to be before Gerald came into the picture, but I was wrong as fuck. Right after Gerald’s funeral, my mom got high right in front of us when we returned back home. She received a big amount of money from the Victim of a Crime Organization and blew it all on drugs. When I turned fourteen, she stopped paying the rent on the house. That’s when I realized that my mom never owned the house that we lived in and Watts. We got evicted and went straight to a women’s and kids shelter until they gave her Section 8. We only lived in the shelter for three months and they gave her a voucher fast and that’s when we moved into the projects.

From that point on everything was on me and I struggled up until I met Queen. At first, I hated her because I had to work off a debt. I stole from one of the niggas that lived next door to me. I was so hungry and weak, tired of hearing my sisters crying because they were hungry too. I didn’t have no other options but to climb through Peep’s window and take that nigga whole re up money. I knew he sold drugs and had it going on, I figured he wouldn’t miss the money. When days went by without Peep saying anything to me. I thought I got away with it and shit was smooth.

A week later, my front door was kicked in. Queen stood at my door with fire dancing in her hazel brown eyes and a gun clutched tight in her hand. When her eyes landed on me and my sisters sitting on our worn-down sofa, eating popcorn while watching The Simpsons. She handed Murk’um her gun and asked for his Gucci belt. She had the girls go to their rooms and whooped my ass with that Gucci belt all around the house until she was breathing heavy and out of breath. From that day forward, I worked off the debt and got to know her more.

Instead of looking at her like an annoying ass boss, I started looking at her in a different light. I had to shake my thoughts of wishing she was my mom. She was full of wisdom and although everybody saw her for a cold, twisted and evil female. I saw her as more. She cared and she never looked at me with disgust or judgmental eyes. Niggas and females constantly made fun of me so much that I started believing the shit they said. It was all talk because I would never let a muthafucka physically hurt me.

I should have beat niggas up and had a comeback for bitches that called me names. I had gotten used to verbal abuse at a younger age because of my mother. Whenever she didn’t have drugs and whatever else she wanted, I suddenly became fat black and ugly niggas. That shit was the norm and at some point, I stopped giving an actual fuck. The only thing I truly cared about was making sure Luv and Passion had food on the table and warm decent clothes to wear.

I didn’t get to experience shit that teens my age got to experience. I looked and felt like a grown ass man. I didn’t want handouts and for people to look at a nigga and feel bad. I knew that one day because of my ambitions to get to the money, that the tables would turn.

I looked down at my mom and the same pain that I had been battling and trying my hardest to force out of my system when it came to her kept resurfacing. She had on a t-shirt that looked three sizes too big as drool seeped out the corner of her lips. Her ashen chocolate face looked like she was sleeping good as hell. My mom was beautiful even with sunken cheeks and yellow teeth.

“Wake up man!” I shook her harder as she slowly stirred and simpered. Finally, batting her eyes and staring up at me in confusion, she sat up on the couch looking around the small living space. She smelled like dried up piss and from the heavy bags under her eyes, she hadn’t slept in days while binging hard.

“Shit, Soulful Hurtz! Why you bothering me this early?” I stood back from the pungent smell that hit the air and realized she had pee stains on her gray sweats.

“You got to go, Ma. I don’t need the girls waking up for school seeing you.”

Mainly Luv, Luv was old enough to understand this shit clearer. She had anger problems and would act out for attention. Seeing my mom would make her not want to go to school just from fear of coming back home and not seeing her again. Passion was nonchalant and never really voiced how she felt but I could tell it bothered her.

“Why? I miss my babies and I want to cook for y’all tonight.” I shook my head and fought the urge to grab a cigarette from the kitchen cabinet. I hid them well so the girls wouldn’t get curious and try to play with them. My mom stressed me so bad weed just wasn’t enough. A roach ran across her foot, and she didn’t even flinch to find out what was trekking across her foot. Looking at my mom in such a pitiful state pained me bad. My throat started to burn, and I hated the feeling of fighting back my own tears.

“Fuck, Ma! You gotta stop doing this shit to us. We fuckin’ love you and you don’t give a fuck.” I gritted as my bottom lip trembled. I didn’t give a damn how weak I looked, I just wanted my mom back, I wanted her to be normal and if she couldn’t be a mother to me, at least Luv and Passion deserved it. It was already too late in my case. What hurt me the most was seeing my sisters disappointed. Luv was nine years of age and Passion was seven.

“I care Soulful, that’s why I keep coming back. I just need help and I’ve decided to kick this shit.” I heard it before but looking into her glassy eyes made me feel like she was actually shameful. “I can’t explain the feeling that shit gives momma, but I’m tired of how it’s making things with my kids.”

I sighed and ignored the horrid smell coming from her and sat down next to her. My heartbeat hard against my chest.

“How can I help you Ma?” I would never give up on her even though I wanted to.

“You can’t help me Teddy, I gotta do it myself.” I nodded as I continued to stare at her. If she didn’t smell so strong, I would pull her in for a tight hug and never let her go.

“Alright Ma, but you got to go. Luv gives me a very hard time. When you pop up and leave without saying shit, Luv’s anger is a lot to deal with.” My mom smiled and rolled her eyes.

“All she need is her ass whooped, Teddy. You, always soft on them heifers.”

“She needs her mom, then a lot of the anger would go away.” I reasoned.

“Y’all gone have me, I think I’ma check into that rehab your aunt keeps telling me about. I’m really serious Teddy, I’m going to make up for everything-”

“Mommy?” Luv rubbed her puffy eyes, ridding herself of eye boogers, and blinked a couple of times. Once she really focused and noticed that it was mom, she ran and jumped right into her arms.

“Damn, mommy you stink.” She threw her arms around our mom’s neck and kissed her all over the face.

“Luv, watch your mouth.” I scolded, but she ignored me like I wasn’t in the same room. She did the normal inspection and checked my mom out from head to toe. She talked to her about school and skipped subjects fast. Luv was breathing hard because she tried to talk fast to get it all out. I knew she did this because she didn’t know when she would see our mom again.

Luv led our mom to the bathroom to help her shower and pick clothes out for her. I took time out to go check on Passion. I knew if Luv was woken, that Passion had to be up and alert. When I walked into the room Passion was sitting up on the bed with tears in her eyes.

“What’s wrong P?” I hate seeing my sisters cry, it fucked with me in the worse way.

“I don’t want her to see me.” She sniffled.

“Why not?” I sat next to her on the edge of the bed and picked her chin up with my index finger. Passion was beautiful with a nice kinky Afro. Most days I didn’t know what to do to her hair, so I wet it and added leave-in conditioner. To top her fro off I would put different color ribbons and bows in it.

“She hates me, and she always leaves because of me.” More crocodile tears came down her pretty round chocolate face. I pulled her close and rocked her in my arms.

“That shit ain’t true, P. Momma sick, she leaves to make sure she gets better.”