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I wanted to kill my own dad for a split second for treating me like a pussy ass nigga. Holding me back was the wrong thing to do no matter how bad he felt I was mentally.

“I SAID LET ME THE FUCK OUT!!!!!” my voice weakened as I let my head fall forward. “Man, what the fuck, I can’t be in here like this. This shit ain’t right.” My voice cracked; my throat burned like I swallowed acid.

“Son, you got to calm down.” The sound of my mom’s voice had me weakening even more by the second. She cut the lights on and I looked at her with nothing but sadness.

“Ma, I can’t… I can’t be held up like… this.” I wanted to wipe the tears from my face but it was no point in doing that when my wrist were chained tight. Even if my hands were free, I couldn’t stop my tears from falling.

“Ma, get dad in here. I got a business to run, I got… I got shit to do.” I held back the street justice part that I was ready to serve cold to this nigga Sosa. I never talked to my mom about shit like that.

“Matthew, I know you baby. Your dad knows you even better. The route you are taking is going to put you in jail. You can’t go killing people because someone got a one up on you. Its not how society works.” She walked up to me and I bowed my head, resting it on her stomach. Squeezing my eyes tight, I let out a loud scream until my throat burned some more and I coughed hard from my throat being so dry.

“Let it all out baby, momma always got you but we have to get you some help.” Those words pissed me off as I sat up and now looked at my mom for the first time with anger.

“If you don’t get dad insane ass in here then I’m disowning all of y’all. I’m sick of you mutha fuckas treating me like this. Like dad ain’t as crazy as me.” My mom stepped away from me then hauled off and slapped me hard as hell. The slap made me realize that I had disrespected her. The anger inside of me didn’t want to apologize. Where the fuck was that voice when I needed it to justify my crazy actions.

“See your father is mentally ill just like you. He has the split personality and the schizophrenia. The difference is he knows that he has a mental problem and he gets the proper help. He has merged all those voices into one and whenever they fall apart, he gets it back together. If you would take the time to let us help you, you would be able to do the same. What I won’t allow is for you to disrespect my husband or me in our home. I also won’t allow you to go down and under because you can’t control yourself. That is why I had your uncle Stone and your father put you in this room until we as a family can decide what it is we need to do with you.”

I looked at my mom like I was seeing her for the very first time. I couldn’t even believe that this was her decision.

“I don’t need no fuckin help. I’m a grown-ass man and you need to let me out of this shit.”

“A grown-ass man that will get his ass shot if he keeps talking to Kayori that way.” My sister walked into the room looking pissed off.

“Oh okay, bring the other mentally ill mutha fucka up in here.” I didn’t know how to direct my anger but it was pumping strong inside of me. I was tired of being treated like the only person with mental problems in this family and that’s what started to make me distance myself with them in the first place.

“You angry little brother. I understand that, the kind of work that we do…” Mattea paused and looked at me with a little bit of sadness. I loved my sister to death but her and I always bumped heads hard coming up. If it wasn’t her having her moments were she would feel a way towards our mom or just shut down. It was her riding me hard like she was the perfect one when we both knew that she was far from that.

“You know that I know Matt. Can we talk alone for a minute?” She turned and looked at my mom who looked hesitant to leave us alone. My mom knew that me and Mattea didn’t hold back and when we argued it would sometimes result to us not talking for a long time until our dad forced us to break the ice.

Once my mom left us alone, Mattea took a seat on our dads couch.

“This shit could start a war that the Blue Diamond Dynasty doesn’t need. Shit is going fuckin smooth, money is being made Matthew. We don’t mix business with people that has connections with the Mexican Cartel. Nor the fuckin syndicate.” She was referring to Inferno, I understood what she was saying. We kept shit peaceful and didn’t intertwine our dealings with The Syndicate or Mexican cartel. Their methods were way different then ours.

“You telling me some shit I already know Mattea. Why the fuck your so called husband couldn’t come talk to me.” Mattea chuckled and looked away.

“He’s upstairs… listen Matthew, I’m tired of doing this petty beef shit with you. We getting older and it’s causing an unnecessary strain on the family. You have nieces and nephews that love you. At some point, things have to stop.” I raised my brow at the last of what she said.

She fiddled with her fingers and chewed on her bottom lip. I already knew what was coming and I been preparing for it.

“Ream doesn’t think it’s best…” she cleared her throat and looked away momentarily. I already started to chuckle lowly because I expected this shit. I just thought it would be Ream that would step to me with it.

“I’m not suppose to say this but you’re my brother. I would rather tell you before anyone else. Ream thinks it’s best if you just do your own thing outside of the Dynasty. You don’t report in nor do you come to the meetings. You use product and run things how you see fit like you’re the boss when in actuality Ream is the leader.” She continued to talk as I stopped myself from panicking.

Standing behind Mattea was me with red eyes and I looked to be about eight feet tall.

“When I needed you, you weren’t around. I can do this shit on my own.” I gritted not even acknowledging my sister anymore. Debo laughed and lifted up an AR-15. My eyes widened and my heart started to pound hard and fast as he aimed it at the back of Mattea’s head.

“Matthew!!!!!” I heard her yelling but I couldn’t break my gaze away from Debo and the way he pointed that gun.

“I have a family that I have to take care of, kids! I have never tried to leave you to figure shit out on your own! I’ve always been there for you.” Mattea tried to plead her case but I wasn’t talking to her when I said what I had just said. That was directed to Debo. He chuckled evilly and tilted his head to the side like he was taunting me.

“You can’t shoot her because you’re not real nigga!” I taunted him back. Mattea turned around to look behind her, she reached for the gun in her waist as if she would be able to see the side of me that I saw so vividly. I wished she could see and shoot the nigga because I was tired of this nigga popping up. It was hard for me to even ignore the nigga.

“Are you seeing something that I don’t Matthew?” Mattea turned back around to look at me, this time her voice lowered and her eyes got watery. “It’s fucking with you that bad?” I lowered my head in shame. I was so on edge that I had forgotten to conceal my crazy in front of Mattea. I always tried to appear perfectly fine in front of my siblings and parents. I didn’t want them to ever think that my problem was out of control.

“You’re not real, you’re not real, you’re not fucking real! There’s no way I should be able to see myself in that form. I’d never hurt my fuckin family.” I kept repeating this until I smelled soft vanilla drift up my nose. I looked up and Mattea was standing over me.

Slowly she placed her hands on my shoulders then grabbed the back of my head. Her hand’s massaged through my thick dreads as I laid my head on her stomach just like I just did my mom. (They tryna weaken you! What about Honor! You fuckin pussy! You gone let this bitch knock you from the position that’s rightfully yours!”) I didn’t even look up because I knew Debo was gone from standing where he was standing with that gun.