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It’s a silly entry, but it makes me smile. The next one I find hurts a little more.
Sandy,
Words I want to say to you always come out wrong. We end up arguing and I hate that. Especially in front of the baby. I don’t want to bring up your father, since I know it hurts you, but he’s my husband. I can’t just turn off that love for him. It won’t ever go away. Perhaps, one day when you’re older, you’ll understand. If not, please know I always loved you with every part of my being, even if I seemed distracted to you or obsessed with finding your daddy. Forgive me for any pain I’ve caused you.
Love, Mom
As sob catches in my throat and I touch her scribbled words with my fingertips. “I’m so sorry, Mom. I was unreasonable. You knew in your gut he was out there and I didn’t believe you. I’m a selfish woman.”
The next letter is exactly what I need to hear to soothe my heart.
Sandy,
I know it bothers you when you lash out at me. The guilt shines bright on your pretty face. Don’t ever feel guilty for revealing your pain. It’s healthy to release it. When it’s all bottled up inside you, it’s a gnawing, constant, soul shredding ache. I’d never wish that on you.
PS - You’re such a good mother to Nora. She’s lucky to have you.
Love, Mom
I can’t stop reading. Or crying. I’m not sure how long I’m up here for, but eventually, the ladder creaks as someone ascends it.
“There you are,” Upton says, voice soft and gentle. “You’ve been busy.”
He crouches behind me and I lean into his warmth. My cheeks are wet from the never-ending stream of tears and my throat is dry.
“You’re freezing,” Upton mutters with a hint of worry. “Let’s get you downstairs for a break. I’ll make you something warm to drink.”
Ten minutes later, he has the fireplace roaring and I’m sitting on the sofa nearby, a fuzzy blanket wrapped around me. He moves effortlessly through the kitchen, finding what he needs to make coffee, and brings me a cup over.
“I’m going to check on Amos and I’ll be back.”
He’s gone for a while, but I don’t worry. If he needs me, he’ll holler. I hear him rooting around in the kitchen and then he disappears again. Finally, he joins me on the couch with a cup of coffee for himself. He wraps an arm around me, pulling me to his side.
I love how solid and firm he is, especially since I’ve felt so shaken lately.
He also smells really nice.
I pluck my mug up from the plug in warmer and take my first sip. It has a dash of cinnamon added in and the creamer must be the new caramel flavor I bought recently. He better be careful or he’ll put Hattie out of business.
“Dad okay?”
“Yeah,” he assures me, kissing my head. “He needed help in the restroom and then wanted a snack. Once I got him all sorted and put on a Hallmark Christmas movie for him, I was able to sneak away.”
“I love you,” I blurt out. “You’re a good man, Upton, and I’m thankful you’re in my life again.”
He chuckles. “If helping an old man use the toilet gets me love and adoration, I’ll have to do it more often.”
“I’m sure Janey will appreciate that,” I tease back. “Seriously, though, I am happy with you.”
“You make me the happiest man alive,” Upton says. “We’re doing this together now. All of it. Our daughter, family stuff, life. You’re mine now and it’ll be official soon.”
“I’m yours already. I think I always have been.”
We sip our coffee, enjoying the mutual quiet. The fire crackles and I can hear Christmas music playing from Dad’s TV despite the door being closed. Snow continues to fall outside. The lights on the Christmas tree twinkle. It’s serene and perfect. I’m not sure life gets any better than this.
“The ring looks good on you,” Upton says. “Perfect fit.”
“You know me well.”
