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He’s quiet for a moment and then murmurs, “Want to talk about what had you so upset upstairs?”
I sigh heavily and shrug. “It’s stupid.”
“Nothing with you is ever stupid, sweet Sandy. Let me be your partner and best friend to share whatever’s upsetting you.”
“I’m not upset per se, but I’m definitely feeling all my emotions.” I sip my coffee and then set it down on the warmer. “There was a box for me up there. She had a notebook going with all these little notes to me. I didn’t read them all yet, but the ones I did read were insightful into my mother’s mind. For so long, I resented her for never giving up on my dad. I thought that it somehow meant she loved him more and loved me less.”
“Oh, Sandy,” Upton says sadly. “I’m so sorry you felt that way.”
“Me too,” I admit tearfully. “But turns out, she loved me so much, Up. She was struggling with her pain and didn’t know how to manage it. When I thought she was obsessing over my father, she was writing letters to me trying to figure out what to say to me to make things better. I wish I wasn’t so closed off to her, you know? I feel like I lost time I can’t get back.”
He hands me his mug to put next to mine. Once his hands are free, he pulls me into his lap. I curl against his broad chest and inhale his comforting scent.
“Tell me about the good times,” he urges. “You focus on the bad stuff and what you perceive as failures by you or your mother. Tell me the good things she did.”
Almost immediately, my mind is flooded with shopping for a homecoming dress in high school and holding my hand during my ultrasound. I remember calling her when I had a colicky baby and felt overwhelmed. How she would drop everything to come out to the city to handle laundry and meals and to just give me a break. In the summers, she’d take Nora so I could have time to myself.
When I was a child, she would make me scrambled eggs with cheese every morning with a side of wheat toast and fresh strawberries. She made sure I ate enough protein so I wouldn’t feel lightheaded during period week. At Thanksgiving, she’d share her mother’s pie recipes and showed me how to make them all. So many times we’d go shopping or have lunch on the bay. We loved to chat about the town gossip and would end up giggling over most of it.
There was so much good with Mom.
So much.
I tell Upton everything. All of it. Not a detail left out. And when Dad rolls in later with his wheelchair, I tell him too. He even adds in some stories I never heard about her.
This is why Upton is good for me.
I’ve been so lost and he’s helping me find myself again.
epilogue: upton
“You guys are sickeningly cute.”
I’ve wanted this my entire life.
Warmth. Love. A family of my own.
Watching Nora open the gifts I got from her, beaming from ear to ear, turns me to mush. I may have missed two decades’ worth of Christmases, but I’m here now. And I’m loving every second of my time with her.
My gaze finds Sandy. There’s a serene smile on her lips as she listens to Nora chatter on about how helpful the new iPad will be when the baby arrives. I’m happy she can use it.
“It’s not like you’ll have to work with our little angel glued to your hip,” Elias teases. “You have three people next door who will likely be dying to relieve you. Am I right?”
Sandy, Amos, and I all nod like bobbleheads.
We chuckle because it was such an instinctual answer. The three of us are excited to take on the new role of grandparents, and in Amos’s case, great grandfather.
Once all the gifts have been opened, I break away from the mess to find some trash bags. Sandy follows me into the kitchen and hugs me from behind.
“You all good, sweet Sandy?”
She sighs and nods her head against my back. “The best.”
I hand her the trash bag when the timer goes off on the oven. I’d wanted to cook a nice meal Christmas Day meal for everyone. The ham smells mouthwatering and I’m eager for them to try my twice-stuffed potatoes.
“Ew,” Nora says when she enters the kitchen to steal a piece of ham. “Are you drinking milk?”
I pick up my drink and take a gulp. “Eggnog. Want some?”
