Page 36 of A Merry Little Christmas

Max spent every other Christmas with Nell and Olek, and it was always a much noisier, fun day when he was with them. The festivities would begin on Christmas Eve: Olek’s parents would host a traditional Polish dinner of many courses which went on until almost midnight. After which, one Christmas present each would be exchanged. If Irena and Gienek had their way, all the presents would be opened that night, as they’d done in Poland growing up. But Nell and Olek liked Max to come down in the morning and find a pile of presents under the tree and a stuffed stocking hanging at the end of the fireplace.

‘Who are these all for?’ Nell marvelled.

Olek was their only son and Max, therefore, their only grandchild. They had family in Poland still, but there were enough gifts here to fill Santa’s sleigh.

‘Let me think.’ Irena listed off the children’s ward at the local hospital, parcels for the worst hit war-torn countries, a family new to the area whose children were sleeping on airbeds, the homeless shelter who’d asked for thermal socks and gloves. ‘And I have bought a few bits for Merry’s baby.’ Irena picked up a bag and pulled out a pale blue soft rabbit, a pastel striped velour onesie and a tiny hat with bear ears on it. ‘Nothing much until we know if it is a little girl or a little boy.’

A little girl or a little boy.

How simple. How wonderful. And how bloody beyond Nell’s reach.

‘Oh, Irena, they’re beautiful. Merry will be so touched.’

They should be for my baby, thought Nell, feeling her heart clench with sorrow. I want a pile of presents under the Christmas tree for Baby Dowmunt.

She felt like sobbing and pressed a hand to her stomach. She thought of all the months when she’d been sure that, this time, she felt different, that she had a suspicion that she might be pregnant; each time her period was even a day late, she’d be filled with euphoria and hope. But month after month her hopes had come to nothing. And now she knew why.

And the worst thing about it was that a part of Nell believed that this was karma, that she was only getting what she deserved.

Irena poured them both a generous measure of sherry and the two of them settled down on the carpet, each with a pile of presents to wrap.

Irena sat back on her heels to sip her sherry. ‘You know, you can tell me to mind my own business.’

‘Can I?’ Nell prickled, sensing that Irena was about to broach the obvious subject. ‘Good.’

It was a topic her own mother had no qualms about bringing up and each time it resulted in harsh words, Nell saying things she regretted and her mother acting hurt. She willed Irena not to go there.

‘But,’ Irena continued, ‘I did think that once Merry settled down and started a family, you would want to do the same.’

‘We are best friends, and have shared a lot over the years,’ Nell agreed stiffly, ‘but I draw the line at co-ordinating family plans.’

‘Of course. But you do have a plan?’ Irena leaned in eagerly, eyes bright.

‘I … I …’ She swallowed, she would like so much to confide in this woman who’d shown her nothing but love and kindness since the day Olek had introduced them. ‘I can’t say.’

Irena scanned her face. ‘It is OK, it is none of my business. But don’t be surprised if you lose Merry for a while once the baby comes. She will still love you just as much, but new parents become very wrapped up in their babies. The responsibility of another life, the lack of sleep, the worry that you don’t know what you’re doing. Being afraid to carry the baby around all the time in case you get into bad habits, being scared to put it down in case it wakes up. Maybe she’ll be the sort of mother who takes to it easily, but many aren’t. I think I cried every day for three months after Olek arrived.’

Nell’s shoulders slumped. Being a new parent sounded perfect to her. Absolutely perfect. ‘I’m going to try to make sure that doesn’t happen.’

Irena patted her leg. ‘You are a good friend. Like sisters. My boy would have loved more children with his first wife, you know.’

‘Would he?’ Nell had not known that. ‘And did they try?’

Irena sniffed disapprovingly. ‘She wasn’t interested. Now we know why. It wouldn’t surprise me if Yvonna started cheating on my son with that stupid oaf Viktor soon after Max was born. He was always hanging around.’

‘They do still seem happy together.’ Nell had learned that diplomacy was the best policy when the subject of Olek’s first wife came up at family gatherings. She had met the couple many times over the years and didn’t understand how Yvonna could prefer Viktor to Olek, but then you couldn’t choose who you loved, could you?

‘Still.’ Irena raised her glass and chinked it against Nell’s. ‘I suppose we have to thank Viktor for one thing.’

‘Being a good stepfather to Max?’

‘No,’ she shook her head vehemently. ‘Max doesn’t need another man in his life, not when he has a real father. I meant you, kochanie. If that woman hadn’t gone off with Viktor, then we could not have had you in our lives, and you are very precious to Gienek and me. You are not flesh and blood, but we love you just as much as Olek and Max.’

‘And I love you too, Mama.’ Nell blinked back tears. Irena had welcomed her so warmly into the family, and knew how lucky she was to have her.

The door opened and Olek’s head appeared around it. ‘I’ve fixed the TV. And now I must really rush, or I’ll be late to watch Max.’

Irena didn’t appear to hear the second sentence. ‘You are a good son. I was just talking about Yvonna. You would have liked more children, but she said no.’