Page 153 of These Wicked Hearts

I towel dry my hair and walk into my room, grabbing a pair of sweats and pulling them on. I feel odd. Being trapped for years and finally being free doesn’t feel like I thought it would. I don’t know. I thought I would feel different.

My career as I know it is over, but I don’t care. I always thought that this entire thing blowing up would destroy me, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I feel like I can take a full breath without struggling now. My friends are the reason. Once I knew they were okay, I made peace with it.

I’m still worried about them, though. Our real identities are out there and I’m not sure where we go from here. But I don’t want it like I thought I would. If they want to keep the band together, I’ll do anything for them, but I’m realizing I won’t be upset if we’re done for good.

I dress and walk out into my living room, watching Chen slowly shut the front door. I want to tell him to go home, but he hasn’t left my side for more than twenty minutes since that night at the bar. There are also photographers outside still, I think. The crowd has thinned, but a few stragglers have camped out, waiting to get a good look at us or ask us questions.

He turns to me and I instantly know who it was.

Atlas.

I’ve been avoiding him, I know, but I just can’t see him right now. I’m so ashamed of how I treated him the morning Jim came to me, and I can’t deal with the pain I caused him. Everything imploded, and worst of all was the look on Atlas’s face when I told him he was nothing. I don’t think I’ll ever get that look out of my mind.

“What did he want?”

Chen wrestles with whatever he’s not telling me.

“What is it?”

Chen walks in and sits on the couch. “He wanted to see if you were okay. He said he’s going to up to the roof for a bit.” I sit beside my friend, and he turns to me. “I don’t know what you’ve been through fully, but I do know you love him. I think you should just talk to him at least.”

I shake my head. “He deserves better. He’s so bright and happy. I’ll just bring him down.” Atlas deserves someone as animated as he is.

“Is that what you want?”

“It doesn’t matter what I want. The reality is he’s better off without me.”

“I don’t think that’s a decision you can make for him.” He grabs my knee, forcing me to look at him. “Stop making decisions for everyone else. You hid what you were going through because you thought we’d let you go through all that rather than stop playing music. You thought we’d be ashamed of you for what Jim did. It was him, not you. Jim took advantage of a hungry kid. You did what you thought you had to do to keep us off the streets. Then you hid it thinking we’d rather be famous than have our friend okay. Stop making decisions for all of us. Stop assuming what you think we all want. You think Atlas is better off without you, but I can tell you now that man is broken without you. You need to stop thinking the solution to all our problems is your absence. It’s the last thing any of us want. We all love you, and that man fucking loves you. Are you just willing to let that go?”

I stare down at the floor, my vision blurring then burning. “It’s not that simple.”

“Then say you want to let him go.” Chen ducks his head in front of my face. “Go ahead. Say it. Tell me, Gage. Tell me you don’t⁠—”

“Of course I want him!” I yell. “Okay! I fucking need him. I don’t know what the hell happened to me, but I do. He’s so fucking annoying, and, and perfect, and sweet. Fuck, he never stops talking, Chen.” I collapse against my friend. His arm goes around my shoulder, rubbing my arm.

“And . . .”

I take a breath, pulling myself together, letting his arm slip off me. “And I never want him to stop talking. Especially to me.” I want to hear every insane, crazy thought in his beautiful mind for the rest of my life.

“For once, please do yourself a favor and live for yourself. If you want him, go get him. Don’t let fear ruin this for you.” Chen stands.

I get up, making a decision, grabbing my coat and slipping it on. I hope he’s still there. I make my way to the door and pause then turn back into my room, grabbing the flashlight he left here from my dresser. I walk back out.

“Why are you grabbing a flashlight?”

I smile, turning it on. “It’s a bat signal.”

“Your foreplay is weird.”

I laugh, making my way out the door.

I run up the stairs, not waiting for the elevator but climbing the stair access to the roof so fast I nearly trip up them. I walk through the door and don’t see him at first, but as I slowly walk across the roof, I finally see his silhouette with his arms resting on the wall where we first met.

I slow my steps, just watching him look out over the city. I quietly walk a little bit closer then point the flashlight, turning it on. The bat signal shines against the brick safety wall. Atlas startles, looking down at it, then whips his attention to me.

Every ugly thing I said to him hits me. He walks closer to me, and I can make out his pink cheeks in the lights from the city. I wonder how much damage he did to his hand when he hit Jim. Not enough to keep him from playing from what I saw.

“Hi,” I say finally.