Page 36 of Crack the Ice

Those dudes are jerks. You should have let Sammy headbutt him.

Cade

Tough loss, man. You’ll get ‘em next season.

I feel numb. I let them down, and it’s not just them, but the fans watching at home, too. Logically, I know I’m not fully to blame for our loss. Hockey is a team sport at the end of the day. But I am supposed to be leading by example. First in, last out. Hardest worker in the room, and I don’t feel like I’ve been that recently.

There’s an ache in my chest, and I absentmindedly rub at it until something hits the end of my skate, and I look up to see Sammy fully changed, as is the rest of the team.

“You going to change so that we can get out of here, or should I do it for you?” he asks.

I shake my head, scoffing as I bury my phone in the bottom of my bag. “Sorry, I got in my head for a minute. Give me five, I’ll be ready.”

“Are you okay?” He sits down next to me and crosses his ankles over each other.

Sighing, I rip off my chest pad before dropping it in my bag. “No, but there’s nothing we can do about it but play better and smarter next year. This was bullshit.”

“I know, man. But that isn’t on you. You know that, right?”

I turn to look at him out of the corner of my eye as I take off my shin guards. “I’m the Captain. It’s always on me.” I hiss, hating the way my outburst made me feel.

I rest my forehead against the shower wall. Each hit of icy water feels like it takes a slice out of my heated skin. My arms hang at my sides, feeling like they weigh a hundred pounds each as exhaustion threatens to pull me under.

I’m disappointed in myself and the outcome. I should have been stronger. I should have had the answers. I should have been able to find the weakness and fix it mid-game like I usually do. But I didn’t, I couldn’t.

I let my eyes drift closed as I suck in a ragged breath. The last time a loss hit me this hard was my fourth year in the league. I’d stayed behind so long after the team left that Cecilia came to find me.

She had her pink Hawks sweatshirt on, hair straightened, and light blue skinny jeans. The worry in her eyes still haunts me in my sleep. I was shirtless, my hockey pants still on. Her hand found my chest, and I’d almost kissed her. I almost said “fuck it” and took what I wanted. But I didn’t.

Instead, I let my head rest against her shoulder as I stared at the floor for what felt like hours, unwilling to ruin the friendship we’d built over the years. I was twenty-two, and that might have been the moment that solidified how important she was to me.

She never asked if I was okay. She didn’t ask if I needed anything. She just held me as I let everything go. I’d give just about anything for her to be here, doing that very thing for me right now, just letting me breathe her in, as her mere presence helps me carry more than she’ll ever know.

“Cap!” Monroe hollers from the other side of the showers. “We’re going to start loading the bus, you good?”

“Yeah,” I croak. “Be right there.”

The bus is almost silent when I climb on. “Sorry I made you wait, Coach.”

Coach Stevens stands as I walk past. “That was hard on everyone, Reed. We don’t mind, and we certainly don’t leave one of ours behind.”

I nod, heading to the back of the bus, farther from where I normally sit. My fingers fly across the screen of my phone, making sure these kids don’t think I’m ignoring them.

You’re right, they were jerks tonight, huh?

Lily:

Yep. But you’ll get ‘em next time. If they were fair, you would have won.

I laugh under my breath. I love her faith in us. She really is our biggest fan. Pulling up her brother’s text thread, I responded to him.

It happens. Only thing you can do is be better next time.

Thanks for watching, though. You guys doing alright?

Cade

Yeah, but those refs blew the game.