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When she did that, I made a face, basically telling her to chill out. My aunt tapped my mom on the arm, further enforcing the look that I’d just given her.

I had no track of time. I didn’t even know what day it was. I wasn’t sure if it was a new day, the same day that I tried to take myself out, or what. I didn’t know where my son was. I didn’t know any of those things. I didn’t know what had my sister so tired, that she wouldn’t have waken up, even after my mom just released this loud ass outburst.

“Toot! Toot, get up. Nari is up,” my auntie Twan said, putting her hand on my sister’s back, shaking her, trying to get her to wake up.

I’ve always known for Deja to be a light sleeper. When I first had Nico, she would spend the night at our mom’s house, sleeping in the room with me. She could be knocked out, and Nico could make the smallest sound in his sleep, and my sister would jump up. The fact that she was sleeping so hard, proved to me that I’ve probably put them all through a lot, and her body finally shut down on her.

I watched my sister, seeing the way her eyes slowly opened, and they landed on me. She looked at me for a few seconds, as if her mind was trying to accept the fact that I was up and looking at her. Once it registered, she quickly pushed the blanket off her, sat up, scooted over to me, and wrapped her arms around me.

It wasn’t like Deja to cry. She was so tough. Over the years, I’ve witnessed our mom say some of the most hateful things to Deja, but my sister never let those things bring her to tears. She would allow our mother’s words to fly off her shoulders. To witness her hugging me, and her body shaking, as she was crying, caused tears to fall from my eyes as well.

“I thought.. you left me. What was I going to do without you, Nari?” she pulled away from me to ask me this. Tears continued to stream down her face, as she looked at me with not only sadness in her eyes, but also disappointment.

I felt low. So low that I had to break eye contact with my sister. I couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t look at my mom, aunt, or grandmother, either.

“What would make you want to do some shit like that Anari? I told you before that motherhood was going to be hard. We all had to go through the challenging parts of motherhood. I had to raise two kids. I went through postpartum twice. I never thought about killing myself and leaving my kids out here to fend for themselves,” that was my mama.

Her words made me look up at her. As my eyes cascaded up to my mom, they paused on Deja for a few seconds, who rolled her eyes up in her head. I was just hoping that however my sister felt about what my mom just said, that she wouldn’t speak on it. I hated to see my mom and sister argue.

“I don’t expect you to understand why I did it ma,” my voice came out like a whisper. It was hoarse, and it pained me to speak.

“Which is why I’m trying to get an understanding⁠—”

“Meka, stop! She don’t need to be scolded right now. Let’s just thank God that she’s up,” my grandma stepped in, stopping my mom from the rant that she was getting ready to go on. There was this look in my mom’s eyes, where you could tell that she wanted to keep going, but she didn’t.

My grandma walked over, and placed her hand on top of my head, smoothing my hair down. I looked up at her, seeing that same sad look in her eyes, that everyone else in the room had.

Before she could say anything to me, someone walked into the room. It was a nurse. A black nurse. She looked young too. Young, but older than me. Probably my sister’s age. When she saw I was up, I noticed the way she smiled, and walked a little faster to get to the bed.

“Look, who’s awake. Hello, pretty girl. How are you feeling?” the nurse asked me, coming over, and standing on the side of the bed.

“My head hurts. My throat is sore, and dry. I’m a little confused too. I don’t know what day or time it is,” I let her know.

“That isn’t unusual. All of that is okay. You have been asleep for a while now. It’ s a little after twelve in the afternoon. You were brought here around three in the morning,” she let me know.

I didn’t say anything else after that. I just did the math in my head, thinking about how long I’ve been sleeping.

The nurse gave me a long, sympathetic look. I could tell that she was getting ready to say something else. Because I knew that, I kept my eyes on her, waiting to hear whatever it was that she was getting ready to say.

“I’ll let the doctor know that you’re up, and she’ll come in shortly. She’ll explain everything to you. After she leaves, someone from behavioral health will also come in to speak with you,” she said, and every head turned in her direction after she said that. All eyes went on her.

“Why does someone from behavioral health have to come in and speak with her?” my sister was the one to ask the nurse.

The nurse sighed at that question. You could tell she was a little uncomfortable. Probably feeling like they might gang up on her if she said something that they didn’t like.

“Ms. Joseph intentionally took medication to harm herself. That isn’t to be taken lightly. Also, she’s a minor. A minor with a son⁠—”

“They’re going to take my baby?” that’s when I spoke.

My voice shook, and tears were ready to start streaming down my face as reality set in that a choice I decided to make, just might put me in a situation where I lose my son.

“At this point, we aren’t saying anything about removing the child⁠—”

“What the fuck do you mean at this point? So, it’ll get to a point where they have to decide on whether they take her son?” my mom shot. The nurse sighed again, and I could see it in her eyes that she was fighting like hell to keep her composure and remain professional.

“No. That isn’t what I’m saying. Our goal right now is to make sure that Ms. Joseph is medically stable, and that she’s safe. When someone from behavioral health comes in, they will speak to her about what happened, how she’s currently feeling, and try to figure out if she’s still having thoughts of harming herself. They’ll want to know the kind of support system that she has at home too,” she said.

“And once they find out all of that, depending on her answers, they’ll say whether she can leave or not?” my grandma asked that question.