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Jack of Blades

Page 88

by Ava Gray

"Illyana." Seeing her wide eyes and smile is enough to bring those tears back into my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall. "How are you feeling?"

Ruslan wheels me up to her bed and then quickly makes himself scarce.

"I'm okay," Illyana says. "Tired. Like all the time. But the doctor said it was normal. All your friends came to see me and the pretty woman, she told me that you saved my life."

I can't speak. The last time I saw her, I was yelling the truth only to get dragged out of the room, and I can't begin to imagine what Mario or anyone else told her between then and now.

"I'm so… so happy to see that you're okay," I whisper, not trusting myself to talk any louder.

Illyana smiles again, then it wavers and she fiddles with a crayon in her hands. "I met one of your friends, Raven. I like her. She's like a bird. She told me… she told me the same thing you told me."

"What thing?"

"That you're my mom." Her eyes begin to glisten. "That bad people stole me when I was a baby, and I'm kind of like Sleeping Beauty. I was kept away for a long time, but you came and found me because you're my mom and that's what moms do." She starts to sniffle. "I know s-she was just saying that, but it's true, isn't it?"

I can't speak. Emotion claws up my throat and locks around my tongue, preventing me from doing anything but whimpering.

"So I'm n-not alone, right? You're my mom. Not Mandy. Uncle Mario tried to tell me Mandy was my mom, but I remember the doctor said only family or someone special could match me and help me get better. And Mandy didn't match, so she's not. But you matched and you're…" Her tears spill over and the crayon in her hand snaps under her grip. "You're my mom."

I dreamed and dreamed of hearing her say that. Even before I met her, dreams would wake me with the echo of my child calling me "Mom" and running into my arms.

Now she's right before me.

"Yes," I choke out. "I am your mom. And I'm so, so sorry. I was so young when I had you and I did everything I could to find you, but I wasn't strong enough. I was lost, and they hid you so well and I just… I'm so sorry, Illyana."

She bursts into loud, open sobs and my heart breaks, so against Ruslan's orders, I pull myself out of the chair and onto her bed. Illyana immediately sinks into my arms and clutches at me with her small hands, sending my heart into a series of frantic, painful beats.

"I'm here now," I gasp, kissing her head as my tears soak her hair. "It's gonna be okay. I'm here now, I promise, and I'm never letting you go ever again."

We cry together for a long time until my face aches and my nose throbs, and then I tell her the truth. Her entire life has been built on lies, and I don't want that for us. I want her to know everything so she can decide what's best for her.

I tell her how young I was, about Leo, but not the details of the attack. Maybe I'll share it when she's older. I tell her how she was taken from me and the years I spent looking, and how Mario and others worked to make me feel so crazy that I began to doubt the whole thing. I even detail everything about Cassian and all he did to help reunite us. By the time I'm finished, Illyana's tears have stopped and she rests against the pillows, watching me.

"Is Cassian going to be my dad?"

I choke on my next breath and quickly laugh it off. "Two parents in one day? A little greedy."

"I like him." She laughs. "He seemed nice."

"He's very nice. All I can promise, though, is that you have me. I will be here. Even if you decide you don't want me to be, or you get angry at me or sad, or anything. You feel how you feel, and I will always, always be here."

"I've always wanted a mom," Illyana whispers with a yawn.

"I've always wanted a daughter."

We cuddle until sleep takes her, and I ease myself back into the wheelchair as Ruslan returns. He helps me quietly tidy up Illyana's bed and then, at my request, wheels me through to see Cassian.

I don't notice when Ruslan leaves.

I'm too focused on Cassian.

He looks better than I remember, with all the wounds on his face stitched up and several bruises in place of the bloody smears I saw back at the gala. Bandages cling to one of his arms, and a brace rests around the shoulder he injured in the car crash. I can only imagine what he looks like under the bed sheets, given the wood that protruded from his leg.

He looks… peaceful.

And it breaks my heart.

I did this.