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With a shrug, I feign ignorance. “Nothing, what’s been up with you?”

“Don’t play dumb. You know what I mean. These last few months, you’ve been unusually down. I thought it was because of Hannah, but it’s more than that, isn’t it?”

I sit back in my seat, sighing as I stare at the ceiling. Of course, it’s more, but what should I say? That I crossed a line with my best friend? Took our relationship to another level and probably ruined us for good?

Mom smacks her lips at my silence. “Just spit it out, honey, I haven’t got all day. Did you two break up again?”

What?!

My jaw drops as I gape at her, stammering over myself. “Xed and I are… we’re… what do you mean, break up? Again?”

She shakes her head, closing her eyes to gather strength before she punches me square in the pec. “Matthew, I raised you to be smarter than this!”

“Ow, Ma, stop. Those are sensitive.”

“Let me tell you something,” she starts, waggling a finger in my face. “Do you think I never knew about you sneaking him into the house? Or that you slept in the same bed at night? You’ve both been snuggling since you were ten years old. I thought this thing between you two was common knowledge.”

Choking on my spit, I slap my chest, giving her a wide-eyed look. “What? Mom, no, we were never… we’re just friends. Best friends.”

It sounds ridiculous, even to my own ears.

“I give up.” Mom waves me off, turning toward my sister. “Jenna, please knock some sense into your brother before I do it.”

“Matty, I hate to break it to you,” Jenna says, laying her hand across mine. “But best friends don’t look at each other like you two do.”

I scoff, my cheeks heating up. “Like what?”

She chews on her lip, studying me silently for a moment. “Like no one else in the world exists.”

All I can do is blink at her. Of course, Xed is the only one that exists to me. Him and Hannah. They’re my entire world, the axis I revolve around, my shining stars in the dark.

What happened with Val was bad… the way she used me, the way Hannah was conceived. But I always had Xed beside me when things got suffocating. And then we had Hannah, and she became our reason to breathe. Everything she is, everything she’s becoming, I owe to my best friend. He…

He raised her like a father. He is her father.

“Oh my god,” I breathe, feeling like my stomach just dropped out of my ass.

Jenna stops mid-sentence, eyeing me with concern. “What is it?”

“I…” My eyes burn as I swing my glance between her and Mom, the blood in my veins running cold. A tremble starts in my fingers, working up my arms until my shoulders shake violently.

I fucked up. I fucked up so bad.

“Hey now, it’s okay,” Mom says as she pulls me in for a hug. The familiar floral scent of her perfume fills my nostrils as I choke a sob into her shoulder. “Let it out, Matty, honey. It’s going to be okay.”

“It’s not." How did I not see? How could I let him slip away from me?

Those words leave my lips in a gasped whisper, and Mom smiles sadly, rubbing circles on my arms. “Sometimes we don’t see what’s right in front of us until it’s no longer there.”

Tears drip onto my cheeks, and I swallow around the swelling in my throat.

He’s always been there. Xed’s been there my entire life, following after me just like he did that day in fourth grade. My shadow, my partner, my everything. And I’ve known this.

I’ve known this. So why the fuck has it taken me until this moment to realize that I can’t live without him?

Because this time, he’s really gone.

That thought clangs loudly in my head, bouncing around until it’s all I hear, reverberating louder and louder with each passing second.