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When did he start smoking? “About?”

Inhaling deeply, he blows smoke through his nose as he sweeps his gaze over the forest stretching out beneath us. “Hannah would love this.”

My throat tightens, tears springing to my eyes as I drop down next to him. “Yeah, she would. We should bring her some time.”

He turns toward me, his face blank, puffing on his cigarette in silence. The hollow look in his eyes makes my skin crawl. I just want to see him smile again.

“We should take a selfie to show her,” I offer hopefully. “Bet she’d love that.”

The Xed before would have snorted and rolled his eyes like he hated the idea, even if he secretly loved it.

The Xed now just… stares.

“I’m not taking a selfie with you,” he says flatly, flicking cigarette ashes onto my jeans, and I fight to keep my chin from wobbling.

“Why not?”

“Because,” he mutters coldly, “I don’t need a picture to remind me of what I’ve lost.”

With a flinch, I rear back, feeling like I’ve been slapped. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

He doesn’t meet my gaze, his eyes fixed on the horizon like he can’t stand the sight of me. “It means I can’t pretend everything’s fine just because you want it to be, Matty. I can’t smile for a selfie and act like this—" He gestures between us, his hand shaking slightly. "—isn’t completely fucked.”

The tears I’ve been holding back sting at the corners of my eyes, but I force them down. “She’s her mother, Xed. I can’t take that from her. I’m trying to make things better—"

“Better?" he interrupts, finally turning to face me, his eyes blazing. “How the fuck are you making things better, Matty? By pretending we’re still the same people we used to be? We’re not. We can’t be.”

His voice cracks on the last word, and it guts me.

“I know that,” I say quietly, my hands balling into fists on my lap. “You think I don’t know that? I’m just… I’m trying to hold on to whatever’s left of us.”

He laughs bitterly. “There’s nothing left to hold on to.”

The silence that follows feels like a chasm, my heart cracking in two.

I swallow hard, blinking rapidly to keep the tears from spilling over.

“You don’t mean that,” I whisper, more to myself than him.

He doesn’t answer; he just stubs the cigarette out on his wrist before I can stop him and then stands to brush off his pants.

“I’m going back to camp,” he says, his voice flat again like the conversation never happened.

“Xed, that’s not fair. I’m trying.”

So. Fucking. Hard.

He finally turns to me, his expression tightening. “You don’t try, Matthew. You avoid. You hide. You smile and laugh and drag me along like I’m some fucking idiot.”

“I’m not hiding anything!” I cry, my voice rising.

“Yes, you are!” he shouts, towering over me. “You’ve been hiding your whole goddamn life. You hid how you felt about me, about Valerie, about everything! And now you’re dragging me into this fucked-up mess like it’s my job to make you feel better about it!”

I stare up at him, tears blurring my vision. “I’m sorry. I just… Can we enjoy this trip? Please? Before I…”

The words get lost on their way to my mouth, and I trail off, feeling hopeless.

“Before you leave,” he finishes, huffing a dry laugh as he throws his head back. After a few moments of studying the sky, he lowers his gaze to mine. All I see is my own pain reflected back at me. “Matty, you’re already gone.”