Page 105
At the end of the day, the kids filtered into the hall and out the doors. Lili scrambled to get on her jacket and gloves, and then she was rushing out the door. No doubt, like yesterday, her dad would be waiting out front on his bike.
I’m sure he wondered why I didn’t text him last night.
If I saw him, he’d ask about tonight. And I just wasn’t ready. If we’d had more time. If he wasn’t trying to rebuild his life, and if I wasn’t so afraid of repeating mine.
Instantly, my classroom was quiet again. I straightened the papers on my desk then made my way around the room, pushing the little chairs under the tables.
My door swung open, and Lili, with her kittycat helmet on her head, bounded into the room. Brett came in behind her. For a beat of my heart, I couldn’t breathe. God, he looked good. Black boots, black jeans, a white T-shirt, and his leather cut. My tummy did a little somersault.
“I forgot to say goodbye to Taco.” Lili rushed over to his terrarium. “Can I mist him?” She glanced at me with hopeful eyes.
“Just a little.”
“When is he going to molt?”
My heart tripped as Brett closed the space between us. The scent of his cologne sent a tingle along my spine. My nipples tightened with his close proximity. Inhale. One. Two. Three. Four.
“Soon,” I said to Lili.
“You okay?” He sat on one of the tables, keeping an eye on Lili as he whispered to me.
“Are you sure he’s not hungry? I’d be hungry if I didn’t eat for a week.” She peered into the habitat.
“He won’t eat,” I said to Lili, then spoke to Brett. “I’m sorry about last night. When I got home, I fell asleep on the couch.”
He shifted his gaze back to Lili. “I take her home to her mom about seven.”
“I’m having dinner with my brother. I might be late again.”
“I’ll wait. Text me.”
I licked my lips, tasting the bitterness of my lies. “Maybe we should plan for tomorrow instead.”
He clasped his hands between his knees. “Sure. You need to rest.” He glanced at Lili again. “Are you going to tell your brother?”
“I don’t know.” We stared at each other a moment, I think both wishing we were alone so we could talk. But if we were alone, he’d have his hands on me. I’d be weak. I’d want more. I’d forget about the way I’d hurt when we eventually fell apart.
I swallowed against the rising lump in my throat. “Have you told anyone?”
He shook his head. “I want the divorce settled with Natalie before we say anything to Lili. She repeats everything she hears.”
“I do not.”
We both snapped our gazes to the left. Lili smiled. Covering our conversation, I reverted to typical discussions I had with parents. “Lili is a positive presence in my class,” I said to Brett. “She has lots of friends, and she is such a help to me. I can always count on her to stay on task.”
“She’s a good kid.” He smiled at her. “Ready to go, Lilibug.”
“Yep.” She slapped her face shield down and walked ahead toward the door.
“Tomorrow?”
I nodded. Twenty-four hours to figure out what I was supposed to do. I loved him. I loved Lili. But I wasn’t ready to be vulnerable. Maybe I never would be.
***
The following night, I sat alone in my quiet house. I made a cup of herbal tea to settle my stomach, and I watched the clock. I hated that I’d lied to Brett twice. I didn’t have dinner with my brother last night. And I hadn’t been with Holly the night before that either. I’d done this—sat alone in a silent house, feeling the irrational panic that I thought I’d conquered after losing Matti.
Holly had called, but I didn’t want company. I didn’t want to talk about the baby or Brett. I wasn’t spiraling. I’d gone way past spiraling. I was free falling into my fear, and I knew it.
