Page 106

Did I love Brett? God, yes. Was I petrified of trusting him? I knew I shouldn’t be. That didn’t change the way my heart raced when I thought about the future. Or how it hurt to think about living without him.

My therapist would blame it on my PTSD. My perspective had been warped by grief. My mom would claim I was scared to love, and my dad would tell her this was my way of protecting my heart.

Holly had already voiced her opinion. She liked Brett. “Don’t make him pay for Jeff’s mistakes.” I wasn’t. I was worried about mine. She couldn’t understand. She hadn’t buried her baby girl. She hadn’t held her lifeless daughter in her arms. She hadn’t died inside when her baby was lowered into the ground. And yet, I still had to live with the constant ache in my chest.

With Brett, I’d had moments where I wasn’t drowning. And then the grief felt worse because the guilt was crushing.

Tears filled my eyes. I didn’t know how to navigate this. “I’m sorry,” I said to the little life in my belly. “I’m sorry you’re getting a broken mommy.”

I checked the clock again. When Brett had picked up Lili after school, his gaze had lingered, as if he counted down the hours until we’d be together. I had the same internal clock, only I feared the rumble of his Harley. I feared the rampant beat of my heart, the heat in my breasts, the shiver down my spine, and the clench of my core because I was scared of loving him and then losing him.

I was scared of being a mother again. What if I couldn’t protect this baby either? Because what if thoughts were a slippery slope for me, I’d call my therapist tomorrow.

I checked the clock again. I was a little hungry. I knew a sleeve of saltines wouldn’t be enough. I could cook. Did I offer to make Brett dinner? Did I just make myself something and assume he’d have dinner with Lili? Maybe I should just have a bowl of cereal.

My phone pinged with a text, and my heartbeat skipped. Brett was on his way. Butterflies swarmed my tummy. I counted to four, but it was pointless to try and calm my anxiety.

I couldn’t allow myself to imagine what life would be like with Brett because it would be beautiful. He was a Heller, but he was also a family man. Single fatherhood looked good on him, but I could picture him coming home every night. Dinners together. Raising our baby together. Loving Lili as my own. Spending every night in bed with him. Hearing him tell me he loves me.

A beautiful life. A happy life. A life without grief. A life without Matti. There were times I’d wondered if I had a reason to stay when my heart was in heaven. I thought I’d lost the love of my life when Jeff died, and then I met Brett. He’d given me a glimmer of happiness, and now, I had a baby coming.

See this was why I was fucked up. I didn’t know how to be both happy and in love and a grieving mother. I didn’t want to stop grieving.

Harley pipes rumbled in the driveway. A moment later, the garage door clattered as it rolled open. Electric currents zinged through me. God, I was pathetic. I was going to end things between us, but I still cared about how he saw me.

I rushed to the bathroom, adjusted my ponytail on my head, and checked my appearance. Not great. I looked a bit tired. Because I was. A little pale. As expected. I could see the worry in my mouth when I tried on a fake smile.

“Jaymi?” His voice sounded from the kitchen. I came out of the bathroom as he rounded the corner. “You okay?” he clasped my shoulders.

I lifted my gaze to his and started bawling. I could see how this conversation was going to go. So much for being rational and calm.

“Fuck, baby.” He pulled me into his arms and pressed his lips to my temple. His palm rested on my back and took a slow trek along my spine. The scent of leather and his cologne surrounded me. Those strong arms locked me against him. I wanted to cling to him…

No, this wasn’t helping. I didn’t want his tenderness. I think I needed something akin to anger. I needed him to want to walk because I wasn’t strong enough to push him away.

I steeled my resolve and took a step back. “Have you had dinner?”

“Nah, but that can wait.” He wiped a tear from my cheek with his thumb. “Want to talk about it?”

No. Yes. Not yet. A tinge of fear slipped into my veins. I wasn’t ready, but I couldn’t pretend that nothing was wrong. “I think we need to.” The words slipped out of my mouth. And it felt like the first time I was hearing them too, even though I’d been replaying the conversation in my mind on repeat.

Once I broke things off, we wouldn’t be the same. He’d be confused. Maybe he’d fight for us. Maybe he’d realize I had too much baggage.

I led us into the living room. He sat on the couch, and I snuggled into the corner. I didn’t know how to start. “Jeff and I had always talked about life after high school. We’d both get degrees. One day, we’d get married and have kids. But looking back, I don’t think we would’ve made it that far. If I hadn’t gotten pregnant, he would’ve gone out of state to some expensive Ivy League school. Maybe we would’ve stayed together for a semester or two, but he would’ve made new friends. I wouldn’t have been knocked up and trying to prove myself. Maybe I would’ve met someone else, too.”

Brett didn’t speak. He just listened, but there was tension in his jaw. He was too smart not to know where I was going with this conversation.

“It’s hard to look back and regret so much,” I said.

He stared into my eyes. “We all have regrets, Jaymi. We wonder if we’d made other choices, how different our lives would be. I’ve fucked up a lot in my life, but I’m right where I want to be.”

“But what about tomorrow? What about a year from now? We’re still mired in all this ugliness from our past relationships. Maybe we were never meant to be more than temporary.”

“Baby, I know you’re scared, but I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know.” Silence settled in the space between us. “I know you’ll always be there for our baby.” I took a breath. “But I think we need a little space.”

He leaned forward, his shoulders slumped, and his head lowered. “Why?”