Page 26 of AMS.TER.strum

Ada’s voice sounds from the kitchen, because her hungry stomach wakes up the moment she does. I hear cupboard doors opening, and now I’m fully awake. Also, considerably rested, despite the few hours of sleep and sleeping in yesterday’s clothes.

I sound as if I’m gargling pebbles when I say, ‘Coming!’

‘Can we stay home today?’ Ada tries a more direct approach now.

‘To wait for Luuk?’ Otto adds, as if an explanation is needed.

‘Time is slow when you wait, remember? Also, I need to clean and buy groceries.’

‘We can help,’ Ada offers, and it makes me well up, although their good intention doesn’t correspond to the desired outcome, since their idea of cleaning is slightly different than mine.

I bend to take her in my arms, realizing it won’t be long before they are both too heavy to lift. She rests her head on my shoulder, her hair tickling my nose, as I kiss the side of her face.

‘It’s okay, baby, thank you. Why don’t you go wash your face and brush your teeth and hair?’

She squiggles to be dropped on the floor and heads for the bathroom. I hear water running and Otto saying something unintelligible while brushing his teeth, and they giggle, the sounds of their morning routine making me smile.

Fine, the smile is extra wide because, like my kids, I’m counting down the minutes until tonight, because time is slow when you wait, as it has been until Luuk’s tours brought him back to Europe. And because living the anticipated moments goes by in a breeze, I dread his departure and this cold void it leaves behind, the vastness that video calls and texts cannot fill.

The rest of the day is riddled with chores and sending a couple of CVs to jobs that seem promising. I’ve been telling myself I should tentatively return to event-planning, even if it’s once a week, hoping it’d eventually become my full-time job again. Although I miss it, security puts a lid over my excitement, and now common sense takes over as all sorts of what-ifs bubble in my head.

What if I leave this unpleasant situation, only to land in a worse one, without the advantages of my permanent contract? What if the promising new job proves to be another disappointment? What if—?

My phone buzzes.

Lola

Just a reminder: I’ll pick up the kids and bring them back in time for dinner.

Bea

You mean the dinner with Luuk?

Dory

Does Bea need to drop by your place for another styling session?

I send them an eye-rolling emoji.