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“It was more than that. It was the house, the family dynamic, the kids.”
“What’s not to like about it? Are you telling me you don’t like kids? Because I didn’t get that impression. You were great with the girls, and they adore you,” Alice points out.
Every word she says is true, and that’s what makes it all the more difficult to swallow.
I place my hands on the steering wheel, this conversation edging down a path I don’t want to take.
“Yeah, well. We should be getting back. I’m on the early shift.” I fire up the engine, and I’m grateful Alice doesn’t push me down the path I’m so desperately trying not to walk down with her.
32
Alice
The drive back is quiet. While Paul’s sleeping peacefully on my knee, I wonder what Owen was referring to when he told me the house suited me. I want to analyse this more, but so much has happened tonight that my thoughts are a jumble.
Not only have I seen a different side to Owen this evening, but I’ve discovered he used to be married, and it didn’t end well. His last comment has the cogs turning about the reason.
There was something in his eyes when he was talking about Smithy’s family. Does he have a child with his wife? Has she taken the child away from him? Is that why he seems so bitter about me being happy in a house full of kids and laughter?
No, that’s not right. He isn’t bitter. It’s not the feeling I got from him. He was sad.
I also can’t forget what Romana said to me while I combed Dana’s hair. “She took away his hope.” What could that possibly mean?
God, no wonder the man walks around with a permanent scowl.
I can’t stand the silence any longer. “Why does tonight feel like a date gone wrong?” The sentence is out before I can soften it.
“Pardon?” Owen’s glance is fleeting.
“Is it just me, or does this evening feel like a date gone horribly wrong? We started tonight with this light feeling of me meeting your friends and getting to know each other better, and now it feels like we’re being swamped with all these heavy feelings and emotions. I’m not sure what to do with them. I understand why the evening took a turn and why you feel the way you do, but I just hope I haven’t made things worse by saying or doing something wrong. I feel like I’ve let you down somewhere along the line, so I apologise.”
“Alice,” Owen cuts in. “You haven’t said anything. In fact, you said all the right things. It’s just me and the grey cloud that follows me.” He raises his eyes towards the front window, glancing at the evening sky, which happens to be crystal clear, the sun just starting to descend.
“The grey cloud that follows you?” I ask, not understanding what he’s referring to on this brilliant sun-drenched evening.
“Yeah, I have this grey cloud hovering over me. It blows over from time to time, like tonight when I’m with people who I love, but it always comes back, and I’m sorry for that.” The sadness in his eyes is back, and I break a little.
“Don’t be,” I say quickly. “And you don’t have a grey cloud.”
He shoots me a doubtful look.
“Okay, maybe you do, but it doesn’t have to be there all the time.”
“Always looking on the bright side.” Owen sighs.
This riles me slightly. “I think everyone has a dark cloud,” I say. “I think we all walk around with this gloom above us, and even though I appear as though my world is rosy and lovely and perfect, it isn’t.”
Owen glances at me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to presume, but you always seem so positive about things. It’s hard not to see you as a happy person.”
I swallow before saying, “Do you want to know the reason I had to ask you to be my fake date? The reason I don’t have a real-life boyfriend to take to my best friend’s wedding?”
He doesn’t answer.
“I’ve given up on ever finding my soulmate. I’ve spent years searching for this guy—my Romeo, Patrick Swayze, Mr Right—who just doesn’t exist. Every time I thought I found him, he turned out to be Mr Wrong, and I was left alone again. When I was younger, it was fine. It didn’t bother me, as time was on my side, but things have changed. My friends have all grown up and settled down. They’re married and have kids or cats and careers and coffee addictions. But I’ve trundled along, telling myself my time will come, that my man will arrive, but he never has, and I’m starting to believe he never will.”
I should stop, but it’s as if the floodgates have opened.
“Two years ago was the first time I went on holiday on my own. They charged me more money for travelling as a single person and occupying a double room. I went to Menorca by myself, sat on the plane on my own, ate every meal alone, had one drink in the bar by myself, and then spent the rest of the nights reading in my room because everyone around me were either families or in couples.” I swallow, gazing out at the setting sun, recalling the solo trip I vowed I’d never do again.
