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“No, it’s really not.”
“You lost your job.”
“Because I’m married to you and I didn’t even tell you right away because I didn’t want you to think exactly what you’re thinking right now, and now, you’re offering me money to leave.”
“No, I’m telling you that you don’t have to stay because of money.”
A part of me deep down inside cracked straight down the middle. “You really don’t get it, do you?”
“Get what? If there’s something I’m missing, then explain it, Alicia, but from where I’m standing, you have nothing to gain by staying married to me, but everything to lose.”
But if I leave, then I lose you. And I love you. I know that wasn’t part of the agreement, but I love you and losing you would be worse than losing anything else.
As those thoughts tumbled through my head, I realized what an idiot I’d been for falling for him. Holden had married me for reasons I still wasn’t clear on, but I was clear about the fact that he’d never wanted to be married or to have kids.
Which makes this even worse.
“You know what?” I finally said, forcing myself to speak past the agony tearing me up inside. “You’re right. This wasn’t what I signed up for.”
My heart was pounding so hard that it hurt, but there was one more thing I had to say before I cut off my own emotions too. One more thing I’d been silently struggling to come to terms with for days, too scared to say anything because if I did it might become real. But if we were at a place where the contract was back to being front and center, then it was time he knew. “My period is ten days late, so I guess congratulations are in order. You’re getting that heir we agreed to.”
His entire face went blank, those eyes sliding shut and staying that way for much longer than a regular blink. “What?”
“That’s what the contract says, isn’t it?” My voice was shaking so badly that I could barely get the words out, each syllable feeling like it was tearing another hole in the fabric of my soul. “Marriage and a promise of an heir. Whatever was in it for you, you can tell Alex it’s time he gives it up. You’ve fulfilled your promises.”
“That isn’t—”
“It’s fine,” I snapped. “I’ll be happy for you, but after this weekend, we’ll go back to the way things were. We’ll stay in separate bedrooms and we’ll be together in name only.”
He looked like I’d slapped him. “Alicia, stop.”
“No. It’ll be easier this way, Holden. We’ll just have to get used to it.”
Blinking hard, he took a step toward me, but I turned my back. I couldn’t let him touch me. If he did, I’d fall apart completely and I couldn’t afford that right now.
I desperately wanted him to tell me I was wrong. I wanted him to tell me that he knew I’d never choose money over him, and more than anything, I wanted to know that I wasn’t alone in this. That I wasn’t the only one who’d fallen in love despite the foundation of our relationship being signatures on some pieces of paper.
Instead of any of that, I heard a harsh exhale, then footsteps, and by the time I turned, the door was falling shut behind him. Holden was gone.
Part of me expected the floodgates to open as the realization sank in, but it didn’t happen. Despite feeling like my insides were being torn apart by a rabid tiger, I didn’t shed a single tear. There was just nothing inside except a void. My body felt heavier than ever as I finally changed into pajamas and climbed into bed.
I curled onto my side, pulling the blankets over myself and going so completely numb that it felt like I was in shock. When I’d taken that deal Alex had offered, I’d accepted the money and married a man I hadn’t known because he could give me everything I couldn’t afford to keep otherwise.
Holden had known that. Hell, he’d accused me that first week of being just another gold digger who was in his life for money, and I had been. At the end of the day, he hadn’t been wrong. I’d had all these noble excuses and justifications, but I’d done everything he’d accused me of.
I’d simply made the unforgivable mistake of falling in love with him. That was entirely my own fault.
My hands lowered to my stomach of their own accord. I didn’t know yet if the heir was somewhere in there, but it was a very real possibility. A tiny life could’ve already started growing inside me. It should’ve felt terrifying, wonderful, and impossible to stop thinking about all at once, but instead, I felt nothing.
Nothing but the cold certainty that maybe Holden was gone for good and worse, maybe he’d never even really been mine to lose in the first place.
CHAPTER 43
HOLDEN
If I hadn’t known where I was going, I might’ve gone somewhere stupid, but Alex had texted after dinner to say that he, Ryan, and Wyatt were meeting up at a bar to blow off some steam before the shower. I’d had zero intentions of joining them, but as I blew out of our hotel, I hailed a cab and went to involve my brothers in my bad decisions.
Naturally, because Alex had chosen the bar, it wasn’t the hole in the wall kind of place I would have ended up drowning my sorrows in. This was an exclusive, high-end whiskey-tasting room. With dark and moody lighting, cigar lounges, and thickly carpeted floors, it felt like I should’ve been storming into a meeting with the mob when I marched in.
