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“You misunderstand me, Gerald. I… will I only ever be needed, never wanted? Is my only worth that which I can bring to others? Are there no innate qualities within me that inspire people to want me?” She lifted her gaze and looked at him directly. “And what of you? You need me to pretend for you, but beyond that is there anything?”

She hadn’t intended to ask him such a direct question, but when it passed through her lips it felt entirely natural, and she decided there was no taking it back. Once words were spoken they became a part of the physical world. They no longer belonged entirely to her anymore, but were a shared experience and now it was Gerald’s decision about how to respond.

Clara pinched her dress and felt an uneasy and surprising wave of anxiety passing through her. Gerald’s head lowered at an angle. He reached out and brushed his fingers against a nearby plant. The leaves rustled. He opened his mouth, but at that moment she heard a cry from the children and spun around. Her body faced Gerald. Her head faced the children.

“You should go to them,” he said, his deep voice bringing the conversation to an end. Was it an easy escape for him, or was this his way, or answering the question?

Clara closed her eyes. A long, shuddering sigh passed through her. She should never have asked the question in the first place because neither answer would have been welcome. Now it was clear. Gerald had never hidden his true intentions from her before. Those kisses must have been folly on his part. Perhaps he had managed to steel himself against the attraction they felt and was able to focus on the limits of their arrangement.

When it was all over, she had no doubt that he would return to his old life and she would return to hers, where she was needed, giving herself to St. Margaret’s because she would only ever be appreciated for what she could do.

Chapter Twenty

“Tonight would be the perfect night,” Eleanor said as she fixed a bow in her hair. Gerald strode towards her, his black shoes shining, his clothes crisp and tight, somehow feeling like a suit of armor.

“For what?”

“A proposal,” Eleanor said, her eyes gleaming with excitement. Gerald did not snap at her this time, but he intended to try to do his best to dissuade her.

“I have already told you that I seek the perfect moment for a surprise, and that has not arrived yet.”

“What could be more perfect? Her parents will be there. We could all celebrate together and begin the plans for the wedding. It would be memorable.”

“Eleanor, I would appreciate it if you stopped this meddling. Clara and I will get married when the time is right and not before. It is not for anyone else to decide but us. Now please, do not bring up the subject tonight. I would not want things to become awkward.”

“They’re only going to be awkward if you don’t propose,” Eleanor mumbled.

There was a sullen look on her face, but Gerald wasn’t going to indulge it. He was already trying to think about how to navigate the evening. Agatha, her husband Theodore, Mary, and Alfred were all going to be present, and unless Clara specifically forbade it, he was certain that the subject of marriage would arise.

No doubt Alfred would be keen to have an update on his thinking, and with Eleanor in tow she might stoke the fire. It was not an engagement he was anticipating with any great glee.

Not to mention that the last conversation he’d had with Clara ended on a strange note. He’d tried to be sympathetic with her. Clearly she had attempted to share something with him, yet he couldn’t help but feel as though he had wasted the opportunity. Clearly, he had said the wrong thing or misunderstood something, although in the end he wondered if his biggest failing was in not saying anything at all.

Part of him did need her, but how was he supposed to admit that to her when he had only just begun considering the notion himself? All of her qualities were established, and there was no doubt that she was an impressive woman in so many areas. For some reason she did not seem to understand this herself.

Was it so bad to be needed?

He knew what it was like to have responsibility thrust upon him, and when he thought about it there were conversations with his father where he got the impression that he was only born because an heir was required. That felt like a product of society, however and he had never considered it a negative thing, but for Clara it was, and it puzzled him.

Gerald and Eleanor were greeted warmly. Clara walked up to Gerald and inclined her head. As soon as she drew near, he felt the air shift. Tension ran through his fingers. His mouth grew dry. The ambient noises faded into the background, so he almost didn’t hear Alfred inviting him to come for a drink, along with Theodore. Clara’s beguiling eyes shone and all he wanted was some time to understand the unknown feelings in his heart, time to understand her.

But some luxuries were not even afforded to a Duke.

He held her gaze as he left the room, feeling a disquieting sense of emptiness as he grew farther from her, as though life was only full when she was near.

Gerald held his fluted glass more tightly than usual, for he was apprehensive about speaking with Alfred. Thankfully, Alfred did not make reference to any proposal, so Gerald did not have to be placed in an awkward position. They spoke mainly about the fundraising gala until they were called in for dinner.

The table was laden with roast duck, vegetables dripping in butter and herbs, thick gravy, and warm rolls. The air was enlivened by these smells, inciting his hunger. Everyone licked their lips and eagerly awaited the perfectly cooked meat as it was carved into slices.

“I hope you enjoy the food. This duck sacrificed a great deal for our appetites,” Agatha said, and everyone around the table chortled.

“I’ve heard that everything is in place for the benefit. You must be excited, Clara,” Theodore said.

“I am. It shall be fun, and it will be nice to have so many people supporting St. Margaret’s. It would be nice to raise enough money that we don’t have to worry about the future of the orphanage at all,” Clara said.

“I’m looking forward to seeing the flowers. I know you will have done a wonderful job,” Mary said, beaming with pride.

Clara inclined her head, then gestured to Gerald. They were sitting opposite each other. Gerald felt as though he was on an island with an ocean between them.