Page 26

Life wasn’t fucking fair. Not at all.

But Bri was happy in her car seat for the moment, cooing and gurgling and kicking her little feet under her blanket—he could hear the quiet swish of the bottoms of her onesie rubbing together with each kick.

He couldn’t ruin that. Especially not now, when they were about to get driving.

With a short breath, he forced himself to sit up straighter and open his eyes. Then he forced another breath and another. His phone buzzed from where he’d set it on the passenger seat, and he groaned inwardly.

“Yeah, yeah, Shai, I’m going,” he grumbled, before he even looked to see who it was. Then he swallowed back every last ounce of dread, let go of the steering wheel, and shifted the car into drive.

He stopped two and a half hours later in Ashland, Oregon, fed and changed Bri, and filled up his gas tank. His hands were mildly cramped from gripping the steering wheel so hard, but the roads had been clear and easy to drive on, and Bri had thankfully napped much of the way.

Then he stopped another two hours later in Sutherlin and again after another two hours in Salem. He didn’t eat; his stomach was a mess, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep anything down. By the time he reached South Portland around 9:30 p.m., he was exhausted and starving, and his voice was hoarse from spending the entirety of the last hour singing nursery rhymes to try to keep Bri from wailing.

It hadn’t worked.

She was done for the day, and there was no way he was going to make the last two-and-a-half-hour leg of the trip to Seattle tonight.

He managed to push through to the final exit in Oregon, just before crossing over the Columbia River into Washington, and he pulled into the parking lot of a Holiday Inn right on the water. Bri’s cries from the back seat sounded awful, and he quickly parked in a double-sized parking space near the hotel’s entrance, cut the engine, and hopped out to check on her.

One messy-but-contained diaper change later, Ash hauled himself, Bri, and his luggage plus the diaper bag into the hotel. He realized only when he stepped into line behind three other customers that he should have called ahead to be sure they had rooms. By the time he reached the front of the line, they had only one room left—thankfully one with a king bed, which would accommodate Bri’s portable bassinet—and he took it, again not even bothering to worry about the cost.

The room was on the first floor, just down a short hallway, and Ash didn’t even take the time to register how small the room was before dropping his stuff next to the bed and heading back out for a short walk across the street to a Taco Bell, carrying a now-sleeping Bri in her car seat. He ordered a couple of chicken soft tacos, hoping that would be enough to placate his empty stomach, and then he trudged back through the cold to the hotel.

Bri stayed asleep the whole time, and after he pushed through the door to their room, Ash carefully set her car seat down next to the bed and, as quietly as he could, collapsed into the armchair in the corner, clutching the fast-food bag and a bottle of water he’d brought in with him from the car.

His stomach ached and growled, but he didn’t eat right away. Instead, he set the food and water down on the tiny side table next to him and pulled out his phone. He had no new messages, but he needed to send one.

Shaina was waiting for him, he was sure.

With weak fingers that trembled slightly, he typed a quick text and sent it to her.

Ash (10:02 p.m.): We’re stopped at a hotel in Portland, a Holiday Inn. Bri is sleeping. I’m exhausted and going to eat and then hopefully sleep. We’ll see you in the morning

He set his phone down and pulled out one of the tacos. He’d only managed a single bite when the phone vibrated with a notification. He hurried through another couple of bites, then picked the phone back up.

Shaina (10:04 p.m.): You’re so close

Ash frowned and closed his eyes for a moment, guilt heavy on his shoulders. He was maybe ninety-five percent sure that hadn’t been Shaina’s intention—to make him feel guilty about spending the extra two hundred bucks he didn’t really have for a hotel room and about making her wait to see Bri again and about keeping Bri from being home, where she would be safe and more comfortable. But those were the thoughts that ran through his head anyway.

From a few feet away, Bri let out a soft sigh in her sleep, and Ash opened his eyes and watched her. Somehow, he didn’t cry this time, even as he thought how perfect she was and how much his sister had loved her.

“Miss you, love you, bye!”

The familiar words replayed in his mind, and with a deep sigh, he nodded to a question that hadn’t been asked. Then he shoved the last bite of his taco in his mouth and picked up his phone.

Ash (10:07 p.m.): Just giving you extra time to scrub the toilets =P

Shaina (10:08 p.m.): Ew. No. I made Grant do that

Shaina (10:09 p.m.): I was just thinking how tired you must be, and Bri too. I’m glad she’s sleeping now. I almost want to drive down there to see you tonight. Or make Grant drive me, since I don’t have a car here

Shaina (10:10 p.m.): And I will if you need me to, say the word

Ash (10:10 p.m.): No, no, don’t do that. We’ll be okay. Just need to sleep. I’m gonna finish eating. ttyl

Shaina (10:11 p.m.): Yeah, okay. Love you, see you tomorrow!

Ash (10:11 p.m.): Love you too. Good night