Page 85

It’s been two weeks since Paul and I had our journey, and I haven’t slept through the night since. Mav’s worry is painted on his face. It’s better when he’s home because the safety of his arms calms me and I fall asleep.

He’s been on a road trip, and it annoys him that I won’t stay on a video call until I fall asleep. He has a job to do, and I refuse to be the reason he can’t sleep. Backsliding into an emotional death spin won’t help either of us.

“Angel, what’s really bothering you? It’s not me eating healthy because my daily intake has vastly improved since living with you.” He sits in the seat next to me.

“Nothing.” I’m so mixed up; the truth isn’t clear.

“I have a surprise for you. Reading nook or living room?” He stands and offers me his hand.

“You’re too good to me. I should be giving you a surprise,” I grumble, but take his large, warm hand.

“Living room. Excellent choice. Are you walking or need a ride?” He opens his arms and turns on the spot.

I jump on his back, feeling lighter than I have in days. He bounds up the stairs two at a time, not stopping until we’re in the living room and he sits on the couch, squishing me.

“If suffocation is my surprise, we need a serious chat.” I nip his shoulder.

“No teasing me.” Mav effortlessly hauls me around to sit in his lap. “Listen, it’s been a roller coaster since Paul kidnapped you.”

“It wasn’t like that,” I argue hotly. Since I took Paul to Mav’s apartment voluntarily, everything was my fault. I have to be responsible for my actions.

“How did your session with your therapist go?” He changes the subject.

“Fine,” I hedge, hoping to rid him of his guilt for leaving.

“Hmm, well, I’m worried,” he says by my ear. “Don’t tell me you’re fine.” He rearranges us to lift my chin, so I have to look at him. “I’ve been brainstorming what I could do for you. I’d love to take you on a vacation, but that will have to wait until the season is over.” His purple Enforcers’ thermal brings out the green in his hazel eyes.

“But you need a break. Something fun, and I was talking to Brant—”

“Not about me?” My voice squeaks.

“Regarding doing something here in the city.” He pulls out his phone. “I live here now and can’t freeload off my boyfriend. It’s tacky.” He smirks. “And if I’m not freeloading, it could give you more time to pursue the dream you put on hold. It’s not Broadway, but there are a ton of small theaters, and some have open dance auditions.” He shows me his phone, and my body reacts before I can process.

Leaping off his lap to put as much distance between us as possible, I shout, “No! That’s a kid’s fantasy, not an adult goal. I won’t do it again.”

Mav’s face crumples and he reaches for me. “I’m sorry?” he asks in complete confusion.

“I should’ve told you it’s not something I want to do. Ever.” Me and my panic have hit crisis level. “I have to tell Maria my dinner was a bust. It will only take a minute.”

“I’ll go with you.” He stands, but I’m already exiting the room.

“No,” I say with too much force. “I’ll be right back.”

As I flee, Mav mutters, “What just happened?”

I sit on the stairs, breathing hard and clutching the railing for my sanity. If I had told him, he’d have known not to do this. Mav has been so amazing and understanding. No other guy is willing to accept the job I love. There’s no way to keep this from him now. It’s the terrible thing looming over our shoulders, waiting to break us apart.

The urge to lash out and accuse him of trying to change me festers below the surface. It’s why I had to leave our apartment. I’d say something ugly and hurt him.

The last thing I expected was for him to show me that dance troupe. It took me years to sort through the guilt and shame. Paul triggered not only my self-doubt and blame but my anger and resentment.

My therapist assures me that feelings don’t have to be logical, but they need to be dealt with.

Hanging my head, I admit none of this is Mav’s fault. In his eyes, I’m a crazy person. My stomach knots, fearing this will be the final straw for him. He’ll see I’m not worth his time or love and certainly not his energy.

I force myself to trudge upstairs to Maria’s to say hi because she’s already eaten.

Cooking and me should not be in the same sentence.