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I can’t believe I’m hearing this. How can she be so cold? She might as well have yanked my heart out of my chest. I can’t even form words to respond to her. My emotions cycle from anger to panic to fear. Then disgust. I don’t want to leave here. This house is one of the only ties we have left to Nate. It makes me sick that my parents wouldn’t want to hold on to this house and those memories, too.

I need to get away from her, now, so I stand up. “Okay,” I say. “Have fun on your holiday, Mom.” My voice drips with sarcasm and disdain. I turn and storm out of the room.

I can’t fucking believe her. I know she had to grieve in her own way after my brother died, but my GOD. I’m still here. I’m still her son. I’m still very much alive, and I miss my fucking parents. I’m also really angry right now. I stomp upstairs to my room and slam the door behind me. Then I blast my music and log on to my computer to try to distract myself from all of her words echoing through my head.

You’re being ridiculous. It’s time that you move on.

I’m so numb and angry at what she said and how nonchalant she is about all of this. This all just confirms that my parents don’t have any of my interests at heart. They’ve completely abandoned me, and this is the last step.

Goddammit.

These last twenty-four hours have been such an emotional roller coaster. I put my head in my hands and push my palms into my eyes until it hurts. Then I rest my head down on my desk and let myself sob.

***

I feel numb, like I’m going through the motions, not even really paying attention to myself and what’s going on around me. I haven’t heard from Lev since he left the Exchange, and I know I could text him, but I just need to give myself some time to figure this shit out. I’ve had to figure things out on my own for the last few years, with no guidance and support outside of Ryan, and this seems like just another mountain to climb. I need to sort it all out in my head without dragging Lev into it.

I’ll handle it, like I always do.

After work, I decide to go to the diner and get some food, not wanting to spend another minute in the house with my mom here. I call Ryan to ask him to join me, and he and Katie meet me there a few minutes later.

Ryan knows something isn’t right the minute we sit down. “What’s up?” he asks me, tapping the menu sitting in front of me.

“Nothing. Fuck. Everything.” I drop the menu onto the table and run my hand through my hair. I’m so frustrated with everything. Everything is a fight for me. I just want a break. “It’s a fucking mess.”

He sighs. “Well, start talking.”

I tell them about my mom’s little visit and news about wanting to sell the house. I can’t help the tears that fill my eyes or the emptiness that comes flooding back as I talk. Both he and Katie respond the way that I expect them to, upset and angry for me and the situation.

“That really sucks, Dare! It’s so just . . . yuck!” Katie exclaims when I’m done, reaching across the table and giving my forearm a gentle rub. It feels divine.

I manage a small smile. “Thanks Katie. Yeah, it’s awful. They’re pretty awful.” I shake my head.

Ryan is great, too. He won’t allow himself, or Katie, for that matter, to feel sorry for me. Instead, he gets practical. “Is there any way for you to buy the house?” he says. “Is that something you’ve thought about?”

I have thought about it, but I don’t know what my parents would say or do if I suggested it, and I tell Ryan that. We go through a few other options, but it’s not too comfortable to talk about it right now, and so, I change the topic to something that makes me happy.

“So, you know I ended things with Lance,” I start, getting right to the point.

They both nod.

I sigh. “I’m pretty into Lev,” I finally admit. I can’t help the smirk that forms on my lips.

Katie bounces in her seat and claps her hands. She confirms for me that, “from a girl’s perspective,” Lev has it bad for me too.

I laugh. “Thanks, Katie. I guess we’ll see what happens.”

“Asshole. Did you talk to him about any of this? Lance, the house, your feelings?” Ryan gives me a look. “If you like the guy, can you give him something? Text him or something. Don’t let this one go, Dare.”

Katie nods animatedly beside him.

“I know, I know.” That’s all I can manage before our checks are delivered and we gather our stuff to leave.

I want to go to the lake, but the fall season is starting to really set in, and it’s a cold night. I opt to go home and change into sweats instead. After grabbing a blanket off the couch, I make myself some hot chocolate and settle into the Adirondack chair on the patio. I wrap myself up in the blanket and blow on my hot chocolate as my mind runs through everything that’s happened the last few days.

Honestly, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I’m starving for some physical comfort, but I refuse to call Lance because I really want that to be over so I can pursue things with Lev. And I know that I should just call Lev. I should ask him to come over. We’re at that point, right? But I don’t.

I know it’s ridiculous, but I don’t want him to know I have more drama. I want him to see the strong side of me. He’s not here to fight my fights.