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“Uh-huh?”
“You held my hand during the call, does that mean I can hold your hand occasionally?”
Leah pulled back, face going red. She threw an arm over her face and looked away. “Niall, of all the upfront things you could say, why that?”
“Are you blushing?” I asked, bubbles forming in my stomach. I pulled at her elbow and she let her arm fall away, pouting as she avoided looking at me.
“You basically asked to hold my hand like we’re in elementary school. That’s embarrassing.”
“Compared to our call the other night?”
“Obviously.” She huffed. I let my hand fall from her elbow to her hand, our fingers just barely touching.
“But what’s the answer?” I asked, hypnotized by the way her teeth sunk into her bottom lip.
“I guess it depends on why you’re asking,” she finally said.
“Because you said before that it was off the table. So I’m checking back in. Things feel … different since then.”
“I guess they do,” she said softly. Her fingers pressed against mine, just the pads touching. “At least a little.”
“So?” I flattened my hand against her, our palms pressed together. “Can we be a little closer? More than just co-parents?”
“I don’t know how much I can handle without running away. Though I’ll admit I kinda like hanging out with you. It can be … calming sometimes.”
“I don’t know how much I have in me after work, but I like hanging out with you too. I like it a lot. To the point where telling people you’re my co-parent kind of hurts.”
“What? You don’t like an awkward and clunky phrase that’s only a bit better than baby mama?” She laughed, the sound dry.
“Do you like it?” I asked and she shrugged, her fingers lacing with mine.
“It’s safer.” Her grip tightened. “It’s not as … fun, but it’s safe.”
“Are there any other ways I can make you feel safe?”
Leah pulled back and blinked at me, then shook the reaction away and smiled. “You would be the only person to ask me that.” She gave my hand a squeeze, nodding to the door where the photographers were likely waiting for me. “I’ll give it some thought. Is that okay?”
“That’s all I can ask for.” I pulled her in for a short hug, kissing the top of her head before heading into the photo shoot so I didn’t beg for anything more.
I don’t even know what it was I wanted, but I knew I was ready to beg her for it.
The Slight Breakdown
Leah
Iset my phone against my computer monitor with a picture of my mom pulled up. I had a whopping fifteen minutes until I had to go down to the cafeteria and be "showered" by my coworkers. Fifteen minutes until I’m peppered with questions about the baby and Niall and our relationship.
A relationship I had no fucking clue how to describe.
A relationship I think I wanted to pursue even though it scared the shit out of me.
If only Niall hadn’t clocked the shift in my approach and I could continue taking itty bitty baby steps to test the waters. But no, this man had to be perceptive and notice me holding his hand after marking that as off-limits and wanted to check-in. Check-in because he wanted to hold my hand more, wanted more.
It was just my stupid trauma getting in the way.
“One of the things I hate about the fact that y’all died when I was so young is that there’s so much I didn’t think to ask you. Like how you met, if you were afraid to fall in love, all that stuff you don’t realize is important until you’re older.” My phone screen went black and I tapped it back to life. “I don’t understand why this is so hard for me. He’s an emotionally healthy man, he’s … probably around the same age as me. Damn, that’s something I should know, isn’t it? I’m having a baby with this man and I don’t know how old he is. I’m having a baby with this man and I’m scared to date him. You must be so proud of me, huh?”
Sighing, I leaned back in my chair, weighing my options.
