Page 49 of The Devoted Dastard

I could tell Niall I didn’t want to take things any further. And for that to work, I’d need to go back to square one; no touching, no phone sex, no hanging out with his friends, and we set up a custody arrangement.

All of that sounded miserable.

But the alternative was … holding his hand, hanging out more, maybe falling in love, and then before I know it, I’ll be spending the rest of my life braced for him to be taken away from me somehow. Me and the baby.

“What do you think, little one?” I asked my stomach, leaning back and resting a hand on the bump that was just starting to show. “Do you think I should give Daddy a chance when neither of us know how this’ll go?”

The baby shifted ever so slightly and I took that to mean, "Fuck off, I’m trying to sleep."

“Well just so you know,” I said with a little huff. “I haven’t been able to sleep very well either. Between you moving around at 2 a.m. and your father trying to hold my hand, I don’t know which one of you is more on my nerves.” I rubbed my stomach thoughtfully. “Not in a bad way, of course. Neither of you means to set my nervous system on fire.”

I sighed and looked back at Mom’s photo. It was taken at my tenth birthday party; she’d worn a floral dress I picked out. Even in that photo, her hair was completely white, heavy wrinkles lining her eyes. Had the picture not been cropped, I’m sure I’d catch glimpses of my friends' parents, all comparatively spry. I bet they were able to do all the things their kids asked them to. I bet their kids weren’t aware of their age, didn’t have to consider their comfortable walking distance. My childhood had been so different because of when my parents happened to get pregnant.

“Y’all dying early isn’t my only trauma. You were too old to do all the normal child-and-parent things. Like ice skating, hiking, midnight movie releases. I feel like I missed out on a lot and I pushed that all aside when I was grieving, but now … god, now that I’m thinking of what I want for my kid, I’m— well, I guess I'm torn. I’m grateful I got pregnant now. I’m confident natural causes won’t kill me before my kid’s twenty-five. But now that I’m thinking about that, I’m thinking about Niall’s career. It’s kind of the same. He’s going to miss out on so much because of it. Would it be a mistake to try … something with him when he’s already got so much on his plate? Would I be taking away time he could be spending with our kid if we add a relationship to things? Or am I just rationalizing? Digging up old wounds as a defense mechanism?”

“Um, Leah? Are you in the middle of a call or—” Nicole asked, poking just her head around the door.

“No, I was just …” I paused to let out a heavy sigh and reached out for my phone, closing the photo tab before stuffing it in my pocket. “Talking to myself. I’m guessing it’s time for the shower?”

“Yes, but … do you need someone to talk to? I’m happy to just listen if that’s what you need.”

I opened my mouth to say no, but then I remembered the flash of hurt on Niall’s face when he reached out just like Nicole was doing. Before Niall, before hanging out with his horde of players, I wouldn’t have felt bad about saying a straight no. There was nothing wrong with not wanting what someone was offering.

But life had been better since telling Niall I was pregnant and joining his pseudo-family. I couldn’t tell you the last time I was bored, Kodi and Rosa were constantly checking in on me in the group chat and even a few of the guys had gotten my number to ask about reasonable baby shower presents or pass along pregnancy tips from their mothers or sisters. It was wild that I suddenly had a community, something I’d spent years avoiding, and I was kind of enjoying it.

And that probably meant pushing past my apprehensions beyond the Dastards would be for the best, didn’t it?

“I’m debating if it’s worth giving my baby daddy a chance to be a romantic partner despite my inability to handle emotional intimacy and his commitment to his soccer team and its wild work schedule.”

Nicole narrowed her eyes before looking down the hall. She slid into my room, closing the door behind her, and picked up the phone. “Hey Nance, can you let everyone waiting for Leah’s baby shower that we have to rain check? She’s not feeling great and I don’t want her starting fall break by forcing herself through a party.”

“Oh, thank god.” I sighed and Nicole coughed down a chuckle as she wrapped up the call with Nance. Once she was done, Nicole swirled a kid’s seat over to the front of my desk and sat down.

“All right, tell me everything.”

The Home Visit

Niall