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I text Diane that night, something I haven’t done in weeks because I need to know how he’s doing.

Me:

Hey, no urgency, just wondering how things are going. Any updates?

Diane:

Same as always, hon. Comes and goes, keeps to himself.

Me:

Thanks

The update is the same as usual, and since it’s been a while, I text him.

Me:

I miss you, Marcus. I hope things are getting better for you.

I don’t bother waiting for a response. I stopped doing that months ago. Or at least, that’s what I tell myself. I just send it into the same digital abyss I’ve been sending everything into, and go about the rest of my night.

July 30th

I skip volleyball tonight because my family is here visiting. Tommy’s face lights up the moment we walk into the Pacific Science Center.

“Dinosaurs!” he shouts, tugging on my hand.

“Yeah, buddy. Dinosaurs,” I confirm, letting him lead me to the exhibit.

Mom and Dad follow behind with Claire, who’s more interested in the planetarium. Dan and Melissa are taking photos of the kids enjoying everything. It’s chaotic and warm and familiar. It’s the perfect time for a family trip.

Except even with them here, I still miss Marcus.

I push the thought away as Tommy drags me to the T-Rex display. He’s mesmerized, asking a million questions about how big it was, how fast it could run, whether it could eat a whole car. I answer each one the best I can, grateful for the distraction.

“Uncle Evan, look!” Claire calls from across the room, pointing at something. I give her a thumbs up, and she grins.

This is good. This is what I wanted—my family here, seeing my life, being part of it. I can’t believe how much has happened in less than a year, since we first talked about this trip last Thanksgiving.

“You seem sad,” Mom says to me, pulling me off to the side of an exhibit. “What’s going on?”

“I’m just missing someone, that’s all.”

“Marcus?” she asks, and I nod.

She pulls me into her arms and a few tears escape me in the middle of the museum, but I can’t find it in me to care that I’m a grown man crying in my mom’s arms. Some people never get this, and that makes me cry more.

After I get it together, I excuse myself to the bathroom and pull out my phone, scrolling to Marcus’s name. My thumb hovers over the message thread of unanswered texts staring back at me.

But today, I don’t send anything. I just go back out and try to enjoy more time with my family. Besides, Tommy wants to look at his new dinosaur book with me again.

August 6th

Callie and I end up chatting before the game. She asks me about where I was last week and how my family trip went. After, the team goes for drinks again and she tells me about her family in Portland, and I tell her about mine in Bloomington. It’s easy and completely uncomplicated. Completely fine.

“Do you want to grab coffee sometime?” She asks.

My first instinct is to say no. Because saying yes feels like admitting something I’m not ready to accept—that Marcus and I are really over, that I need to move on, that I’m ready to try with someone else.