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Even though it’s been seven months of silence, I still don’t think I’m ready for that, so I give her my truth.

“I’m not really in a place to date right now, I’m still kind of hung up on someone,” I admit.

Her smile only falters for a moment.

“Oh, well that’s okay. We can just go as friends?”

She looks so hopeful, and I consider the months of silence, the unanswered texts, the loneliness I’ve endured, and decide maybe I could use another friend.

Callie’s still looking at me, waiting, that same easy patience she’s had since the first night we met.

“Yeah. I’d like that,” I agree.

She smiles easily and says she’ll text me. And she does.

August 10th

Coffee with Callie is nice. She’s easy to talk to, asks thoughtful questions, laughs at my jokes. We sit in a corner café for two hours, and the conversation flows naturally.

When we part ways, she hugs me goodbye, and I notice she smells like vanilla and something floral. It’s nothing like the pine and spice Marcus wears.

It’s nice.

It’s perfectly nice.

And I feel absolutely nothing, so I’m glad I told her up front that I’m not in a position to date.

I catch myself comparing her to Marcus again. The way she laughs is bright and open, but it doesn’t have that low, rough edge that makes my stomach flip. She laughs too easily, it doesn’t feel earned. There are no little smirks. She’s engaged and attentive, but she doesn’t read me the way Marcus did—doesn’t notice when I’m holding something back or when I need someone to take the lead.

When I get home, I check my phone out of habit.

No new messages.

August 28th

We had our last volleyball game last night. Despite my hesitation, I’m glad I played. It was fun to be part of something and remind myself that even though Marcus and I are done, the world is still moving around me. Callie has still been trying to be friends with me, too, and it’s nice.

Callie:

Want to check out that new Thai place downtown? I’ve been dying to try it.

I stare at the message for a long time deciding what to do. But the truth is, I’m tired of being alone. Tired of missing someone who isn’t missing me back. Tired of waiting for something that’s never going to happen. Marcus has given me no indication that I’ll ever hear from him again, so why shouldn’t I go get Thai food with a friend?

Me:

Yeah, sounds great

How’s tomorrow?

September 1st

I finally call Josh again.

I haven’t reached back out since January, when he told me Marcus just needed time. I don’t know if Marcus ever reached out to him.

For months, I kept telling myself Diane’s texts are enough. As long as he’s going to work and leaving his apartment, he’s alive. But alive isn’t the same as okay, and eight months of silence later, I need more than that.

Josh answers on the second ring. “Hello.”