Page 83

Ryan kicks me in the shin.

“Hey!” I kick him back.

He holds his hands up in a truce. “No. The point would’ve been to stop being you for a change.”

“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that I’ve been watching you give every damn ounce of love and energy to other people for half your life, and it’s admirable. It is. But what about doing what you need?”

“I do it every day. I work, I spend time with my kid, I get enough sleep to get up and do it again. It may sound boring to you, but it works for me. It may be the safe route, but it works.”

“Yeah, that’s a bunch of bullshit if I ever heard.”

I walk back to my horse and untie her. “I’ve got shit to do. If you have a point, do you mind making it already?”

He jumps down from the fence and kicks his boots into the soil as he goes to get his own horse. “Sure. You can take the safe route all you want. But it ain’t the same as really living.”

Ryan slides onto his saddle but doesn’t wait for me to do the same before he gives his horse a nudge. Apparently, he’s not interested in waiting for me to come up with another bullshit response.

CHAPTER 32

Callie

Well, the morning after my breakup arrived, and so did seven more.

Other than the painfully harsh sun, nothing in my life seems any brighter. If anything, it makes me feel worse to wake up alone in the bed, smiling subconsciously at the image of Luke before I remember we are over.

Then it all comes rushing back. I remember the look on his face. The profoundly sad feeling I had driving to Loveland. The way I’ve tried to muffle my sobs each night as I fall asleep. It’s been a week, and I don’t feel any better. If anything, I feel less like my carefree self and more like I made a monumental mistake.

That is not normal for me. I don’t ever look back. I never regret choosing a fresh path.

But I’ve never left a man like Luke before. Someone who took the time to listen to me talk about the parents I never knew, the sisters who took all the space in the room, and my own resulting urge to stay bright and light. Always moving, never a burden. Unimportant.

He’s the first person who made me feel as important as anyone else. And in his eyes, more so.

I’ve never felt so confused about where I belong and what I want to be doing.

It’s probably because I’ve stagnated here. I need to get out of Willow Springs and put some time and distance between Luke and myself.

I stagger to the bathroom and brush my teeth, barely glancing at myself in the mirror because it’s hard to take the sight of the sad woman staring back at me. I barely recognize her. Gone is the self-assured adventurer who always lands on her feet before dashing off to embrace the next opportunity. I’ve never felt more stuck and unsure of where to go next.

I’ve also never felt this sad. This is next-level, wrack-my-insides-out, pain-behind-my-eyes sadness. I can’t imagine ever feeling differently. It’s like a thunderstorm settled in for life, and I’m already soaking wet, so there’s no point in fighting it.

The worst part is that I didn’t see any of it coming.

How did I so vastly underestimate my own emotions that I didn’t realize that walking away from Luke and Scout would be so gutting?

I console myself on the drive down Pacific Coast Highway with a plain old Diet Coke because I can’t bear the memories attached to the Slurpee I normally crave on a road trip.

The closer I get to LA, the better I should feel. The change of scenery should give me a bit of separation, but it doesn’t. I try an early morning hike, looking over the tops of trees when I climb up Temescal Canyon, but the weight on my chest doesn’t budge.

I go to the Sunday farmers’ market, which was always a weekly ritual, but instead of focusing on the beautiful seasonal berries, all I notice are parents chasing kids who look about Scout’s age. My heart aches at the memory of all the fun I had with him. And then I’m thinking about Luke again, and my eyes well up. I leave without buying anything.

So I give up and spend the rest of the week at home, walking around in a sleepless blur and eating junk food until I run out of it. Replacing my stash of Funyuns is the only thing that seems worth doing, so I finally wrench myself off the couch and attempt to go to the market in my slippers and pajama bottoms.

Outside my apartment building, I find my sisters pulling up in Hannah’s car. Dylan dangles a large bag of chips out the passenger window like I’m an animal she’s trying to lure her way. I roll my eyes when I see Hazel tucked into the back seat. It’s a sisterly full court press.

“Um, so I take it Tessa called you?”