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I took a long edifying drink of coffee, warm, half of it whole milk like a hug on my insides, and ate a bit of the chocolate-frosted chocolate cake with chocolate sprinkles donut and tucked my feet up into the seat and enjoyed the view.

I marveled at the scenery outside and the peace and quiet in my insides.

How was I so calm? I thought through the last few weeks. Magnus, doing everything in his power to help me heal. Magnus, constant and kind. Magnus, dealing with his own shit too, and overwhelmed by it all, but still — trying.

Maybe it was, like I came to last night, that I had decided for Magnus and me. I chose. And his words, “I live by my wife’s decisions, I serve as she decides,” he hadn’t meant that as some kind of flowery ‘win me back’ kind of bullshit. He meant it. I watched his face as he said it, the words came from deep down near his bones and marrow.

He loved me so much.

He kept proving it to me.

From his romantic speeches to his every day laughs.

That was what was keeping my emotions at bay. After a long year without Magnus I had him back. He had a ton of baggage but he was back. I had baggage too, but mine was inside. Mine would get better if I could stop everything from happening to me and be the one who makes things happen.

Step one, decide for once, check.

And I would help Magnus carry his baggage.

Step two, do that, check.

And helping the love of my life deal with this heavy burdensome pile of awful? I could do that.

He was worth it. And it was within my skill set.

I watched one of the birds swoop down into the shallow parts of a wave as the door opened from the living room and Magnus’s footsteps came across the boards of the deck.

He wordlessly sank down in the other chair and his hand wrapped around mine on the side-by-side armrests. He sighed and looked down at our hands, clasped tightly. He looked over at me. “Good morning, mo reul-iuil.”

“Good morning, Magnus.” I rubbed my thumb along the back of his hand, watching his familiar strength as his muscles simultaneously relaxed, but also held comfortingly close.

My voice was quiet when I asked, “Did you go?”

“Nae, I dinna go, Kaitlyn.” He brought my hand to his lips and brushed the back of my fingers. “I dinna. I will tell ye if I do.”

He took another deep breath. “I want ye tae ken I would have chosen⁠—”

I shook my head. “I meant it when I said I don’t want you to tell me. Because I know what you would have chosen, Magnus, because I know you. I know the kind of man you are. But I also know you couldn’t live with it after. You would have regretted what you didn’t choose. That’s why I intervened.”

He watched my face as I spoke.

“This is something we need to leave unsaid, okay?”

“Aye, mo reul-iuil. I will listen tae ye on it.”

I pulled the box of donuts from under my chair and held it open for him. He picked a long maple donut with a piece of bacon across it. He ate half of it in one bite. I handed him a mug with black coffee. He finished the donut with the third bite and we both leaned in our chairs and our hands found each other again.

We watched the seagulls dip and dive in the wind on the beach.

Magnus said, “We have much tae speak on, mo reul-iuil.” He focused on our hands again. “I said twas the truth that we tell each other everythin’, yet we have heard much that we dinna ken. We may want tae begin again.”

I clasped his hand and pulled it to my chest, a tear slid down my cheek. “Can you tell me about her?”

“Aye. I will if it will help ye on it.”

“It will. I really don’t want to be surprised with anything anymore. She lived with you, like really lived with you?” My voice broke. “She slept in your bed?”

His thumb rubbed along my knuckles. “Did I tell ye, Kaitlyn, that I never got tae go outside?”