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Nothing will ever be enough to make up for what she took from me.

Maybe that’s why I strayed from the plan. The plan wasn’t enough. Because here she is, far from home, frightened and injured, and yet she’s not broken the way I am.

She’s fucking smiling.

Everything always works out for her. No matter what, her life is perfect. It doesn’t matter that she exiled herself to a small town far from her family and friends. She makes new friends. Builds a new life. It’s all so fucking easy for her.

Why is she so fucking loved?

A fresh wave of rage courses through me.

Now I understand why looking at her smiling face made him smash his fist into mine. She made him so angry. He couldn’t help it. I don’t blame him like I used to because now I understand. I feel that hatred too.

Maybe I’m more like him than I thought.

Because the more pain I inflict, the better I feel.

31

LILA

“Are you sure you don’t want to come with me?” Seb brushed a kiss against my lips, his hands on my hips. The cabin door was open, but he seemed reluctant to walk through.

“I am one hundred percent sure that if I lift one more hay bale, I won’t be able to move my arms for a week. I’m good, thanks.”

Bringing hay to the winter pasture had been our morning chore. The grass was too dry and sparse this time of year to provide adequate nutrition for the cattle, so the hay supplemented that. Normally that task would have fallen to Liam, but he was taking his niece to school because Emma wasn’t feeling well. When we came home for lunch, I decided I’d stay put.

It was day three of following Seb around like a baby duck. He hadn’t been joking when he said he wasn’t letting me out of his sight. He’d kept me with him from the time we opened our eyes pre-dawn until we collapsed, exhausted, into bed at night. Four a.m. mornings, ranch chores until dusk, and coming home smelling of leather and horse sweat. Honestly, I had actually enjoyed the forced quantity time with Seb, and there was the panty-soaking benefit of watching Seb in all his backward baseball hat, competent cowboy glory, but I was ready to get back to my real life—or whatever semblance of that I could cobble together.

“What are you going to do?” Seb asked. He reminded me of a hen clucking over her chicks when they tried to explore too far.

“I think I’ll spend the afternoon editing the raw photos from Yellowstone. I’m really excited to see how they turned out. Then maybe I’ll eat some cheese. Take a nap.” My arms circled his waist.

He chuckled. “All right. I suppose that’s more fun than cleaning stalls.”

But he made no move to leave.

I tipped my head back, studying him. “You know I can’t really spend every minute glued to your side with no end in sight. I’d almost rather he find me.”

“Gee, thanks,” he said drily.

“You know what I mean.” I hugged him close. “I don’t want to live my life in fear.”

“I know. But I hate leaving you here alone. He’s here, Lila. He’s somewhere on this ranch, and we still have no idea who we’re looking for. We’re flying blind.”

“I’ll lock the door. The windows are already locked, but I’ll keep the curtains closed and make it look like I’m not even here. And we have cell phones, you know. I’ll call you if anything even remotely suspicious happens.”

His eyes surveyed my face, and then he nodded. “All right. But promise me that if you decide you want to leave the cabin, you’ll let me come get you. Don’t go anywhere alone.”

“I promise.” I gave him a gentle shove. “Go.”

He shot me a grouchy look, but stepped onto the porch, pulling the door closed behind him. Before I had a chance to move, he called, “I want to hear the bolt click!”

Laughing, I slid the bolt lock into place. “There. Happy?”

I kept my promise after he left, double-checking the locks on the windows and closing the curtains. I didn’t want to live in fear, but I also didn’t want to get murdered. After four attacks, fear was white noise to me now. It was always there, but I did what I could to keep the dial turned low.

I grabbed my SD card from my camera and set up my laptop on the coffee table. It wasn’t my ideal workspace. My laptop was top of the line and more than capable of running the editing software, but the screen was tiny compared to my home computer. Plus, if I were going to spend hours staring at a screen, I’d rather do that at my desk with my comfy chair. Hunching on the couch would wreck my back.