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Unfortunately, others volunteered to hunt for our fake wolf as well, so I had no choice but to send them in various directions before Helga and I made our way into the woodland on the false venture.
“’Tis wrong to lie like this,” I muttered under my breath when we were alone. “We both know ’tis one step too far.”
“If Tove feels it needed to be said, then it did,” Helga said, as devoted to Tove’s way of thinking as I usually was. “Chances are they will find good game regardless, and all will be well enough.” She shrugged. “And who knows? Mayhap they will take down a wolf, too.”
She eyed me as the cool wind whipped around us and the sun struggled past black-bellied, churning clouds. “So, what truly happened this morn? I saw you run from your cottage to hers, so I know you didn’t spend the night, despite wanting to.”
Even though I should deny it, I knew better with Helga, seen clearly enough in the bemused way she had looked at us this morning. The words she had said. No fool, she and mayhap more of our tribe than I realized saw all that was unsaid between Tove and me. Or, at least, all I felt for her despite trying to remain nothing more than what she needed me to be.
Her second-in-command and friend.
“I had a nightmare and acted on it,” I said to Helga. “Nothing more.” I clenched my jaw. “Nor should you speculate that it was.”
“Speculate?” Ever forthright, she chuckled and stopped short, shaking her head in disbelief at me. “I’m long past speculating, as are most, and if you didn’t know that by now, you should. ’Tis clear enough to anyone with two eyes that you and Tove share a great love you seemingly refuse to acknowledge.”
“Yet I have now,” I bit out, again before I could stop myself, but I had grown wary of denying it. Yes, I had to continue the charade with everyone else for the rest of my life, but not with Helga. Not if she already suspected my true feelings. “And Tove does not feel the same.” I shrugged. “Besides, she wishes to marry someone of a higher status for the tribe’s sake, and I cannot blame her.”
Seeming to hardly believe that, Helga eyed me for a moment, only to shake her head and chuckle again, incredulous, and quite certain by the sounds of it.
“Of course she loves you, Knud,” she admonished, looking skyward before her eyes met mine again. “Surely you didn’t believe her when she claimed otherwise?”
Frowning, I shook my head even as my heart leapt at how convinced Helga sounded. “What choice do I have? She’s the earl, and I’m her second-in-command. Therefore, ’tis my sworn duty to do as she wishes and set aside my feelings if ’tis her desire to marry another, no matter how she truly feels.” Then I said what needed saying, even if I loathed every part of it. “She is a woman bequeathed the role of a man. One worth admiring and supporting, no matter the sacrifice. She needs to excel, given ’twill be harder for her than it ever would have been for a male counterpart. ’Tis a serious matter.”
Though Helga had appeared ready to go to battle for how she felt Tove and I genuinely felt about each other, her shoulders lowered a fraction as if in defeat, and pain lit her eyes. “Odin above, if you don’t love her in all the ways a woman deserves to be loved, Knud.” She sighed. “And whilst I loathe it because I want my dearest friends to be happy, you aren’t wrong in your thinking.”
Before I could respond, she rested a hand on my chest and kept her gaze locked on my eyes, never more serious. “But hear me now, and hear me with your heart,” she said. “Whether she can say it or not, Tove does love you far beyond friendship. However discreet she thinks herself, ’tis in her eyes every time she looks at you. In how close she keeps you when there is no need. In how she consults you above all others. Trusts you above all. You might think that was something you’ve earned over the years, and you undoubtedly have in many ways, but ’tis so much more than you might realize.”
“She consults with me because I have gained her respect, caring for her father and protecting our people,” I said gruffly, touched by the observation. The mere possibility. “Which should not be misconstrued with deeper emotions, much less love.”
“See things as you choose if it protects your heart, friend,” Helga said. “But trust me when I tell you I’m right. I hope, in time, Tove realizes you are by far the better choice to wed and rule alongside her, for none love our people as much.”
“’Tis unlikely she will,” I said as we continued walking, revealing Bjǫrn’s wishes before he passed.
“Ah, well, that explains her behavior entirely,” Helga exclaimed, stopping short again, prompting me to do the same. She frowned and tilted her head. “So she is to wed someone she doesn’t love for the sake of a dead man’s wishes? And you are to stand by and simply watch it, forever her protector?”
“Ja, ’twill be just that,” I muttered, trudging on. “Come along, Helga. We might not see a wolf, but I find myself in need of a good hunt.”
Following me, she left the topic alone at my request, knowing full well Tove nor I would ever break our word to Bjǫrn. We were fated to be apart despite the polar bear bringing us together. I had meant to ask Tove more about that, specifically regarding our encounter with it this morning, and why its spirit might have returned, but had not gotten the chance.
Did it truly matter, though, if, as she had somewhat implied, it spoke of our combined Wyrd? After all, there could be no such thing. Not together, anyway. Not how I wanted us to be together.
Nevertheless, I did my best to put all thoughts of her from my mind and relish the hunt, even as I realized that might not be as easy as I’d hoped. I should have known better, given she had dwelled in my thoughts for far too long. Every waking hour I was away from her, and all the more, now that I knew she was close again.
“Look,” Helga exclaimed while we were tracking a buck on a cliff overlooking the sea. Squinting at the choppy, blue-green below, she grinned. “Those are Earl Soren Dahl’s ships on the horizon, ja?”
“Ja,” I confirmed, glad for Tove that she would soon see her sister, Freya. “I must give up the hunt and go back. We will need to see the ships tended to and prepare for a fine eve of feasting and merriment.”
Giving up the hunt as well, she headed back with me, and we joined Tove at the shore just as the ships were docking. As tall and broad as I, Soren looked much as he had when last we met, with his black hair interwoven with small braids and a black wolf-fur cloak over his shoulders. Freya was as lovely as ever with her braided auburn locks, wearing the same white polar-bear fur as Tove.
“’Tis good to see you beyond the flames, sister,” Tove said, embracing Freya, smiling when she so rarely did these days, only amplifying her beauty.
Before her father died, she would have refrained from smiling altogether and remained curt and distant with her siblings for his sake, so it was good to see that she felt free to warmly welcome them. Even if I could never have her the way I wanted, she was still my closest friend, so when she found these small moments of happiness, so too did I.
Bjǫrn should never have become so strict and, almost—for lack of another way to describe his sharp personality change—unloving with his shield-maiden daughters. He never ordered them to lay down their weapons and no longer battle.
Yet, still, I understood the origin of his angst.
He had feared they would end up slain like their mother. Between that and the bear attack that had left him so maimed, he had become much changed with them afterward. A different man entirely. Loving by protection and fierceness, nothing soft.