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Where is he? I thought he loved me, and I know I love him. Even though he was going to undermine me at work, I love him. I don’t know how to do anything else but love him. I should have told him or asked him about his Dax secret pitch. I should have been a better me but he should have been a better him.

Tears bubble up as I stand up and walk around trying to calm myself. But the tears come anyway because he’s not here. He said things I thought were in the heat of the moment, but he meant them, like goodbye.

I sit down where I’m standing and slide to the floor. I curl up a bit to try and make the pain stop, but it’s everywhere. My knees and shoulders hurt; it’s permeated every part of me. He left me, doesn’t really love me and probably played me. That’s a bruising to my ego and heart that I’m not sure I can get up from this time. But what was his end game? What did he get by destroying me? I got the job or was that part of his plan?

I cry and I don’t think I can stop. I’m shaking badly. I have the job of my dreams, how can it feel like nothing?

* * *

I wake up, peel my eyes open and I’m still on the floor. I’m a mess but I roll to the door. I need to hang the do not disturb but when I open the door I’m greeted by giant bag of cold chicken.

I sit on his bed.

“Kris! Where the fuck did he go? Did he run to Philly or Boston? I’m going to eat this chicken unless you give me some cosmic sign where to find him so I can understand. And I’ll probably get sick eating floor chicken that’s sat out all night. If you care about me at all, stop me.”

I bite into the chicken and it’s really good, so I chomp another piece, then head to the shower. I have to be the boss today.

* * *

It’s been a painful week of pretending I’m thrilled and in charge. I’m not functioning well. The new job isn’t a whole lot of creative and Sophie’s barely talking to me. HR informed me Dax and Hayden both quit. Sophie didn’t warn me but she’s been bogged down in working remotely and now she’s been saddled with Michelle Michelle as her new partner. I’m sure she’ll quit.

I’m an island.

Every day I’ve left seven messages for him.

Today I left nine.

* * *

I pull my hat down over my face as I enter this insanely expensive hockey charity event: Meet the Flyers! I’ve come to Philadelphia hoping for answers. I’m standing in line to meet seven-time All-Star Robbie Danson. My head whips around at the sound of her voice.

“I liked you. I did. But you fucked up, girl.” Did I?

I fucked up not talking to him, but I just tried to save myself by doing what he was going to do. I can’t say that to Claire. I’m so freaking confused about the entire thing. I have to believe I did the right thing, but I need to talk to him about it. Step one in that plan is to freaking find him. I can’t take this anymore. I don’t want to be sad or devastated or confused, I can’t go through another ten years without closure. Whether it’s good or bad I need it.

“Nothing to say for yourself?” She tosses more attitude and it strikes me how much I like her. I try and contain my frustration at this situation.

“Hi, Claire, please back it down a bit. If I have it my way, we’re going to be family, so I’ll refrain from saying things I’ll have to live down for the rest of our lives. I suggest you do the same.”

She huffs, then crosses her arms and hardcore glares.

Robbie steps to me and he’s a wall of muscle and brute energy. His hair is cropped short but the exact shade of Hayden’s, and although I can tell he’s broken his nose a couple of times, he’s definitely his brother. He’s also scary huge. He grins, lifts my hat, and musses my hair.

“Of course, baby bro fell for someone who can step up to my girl. It’s not easy. She doesn’t take shit from no one, but here you are in her face, backing her down. You’re spunky.”

I nod my head and the man fills my entire horizon. I can’t see past him and I’m pretty sure this is the largest chest I’ve ever seen. My words explode out of me. So much for keeping it together.

“Ok. I’m spunky. I’m only spunky, or bold, or ballsy because someone kind, loving, and grounded believed in me a decade ago. He told me I was more and I believed him. I might have taken it too far and become extra. Now I want to go back to just being more and not extra”

Claire yells from behind her giant husband, “Work for it BeLizzie. We can’t give up baby bro that easily.”

“Please believe me when I tell you, I want him. I want to talk to him and tell him a lot of things I never got the chance to say I don’t have anything without him. Get it? I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with him or us, or whatever the hell this situation is, but I need to find him.”

Claire pops up over his shoulder, jumping to be seen. “Tell him that.”

“Where is he?” I yell, throwing my hands up in the air.

Robbie grins and answers dismissively, “Yeah. We don’t know that.”