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“Then why the hell did you just make me beg your forgiveness?”
Claire pokes her head under his arm and looks at me. “It was kind of fun. I wanted to make sure you were worthy of him. Don’t fuck with our little brother, got it?”
“Got it. But where the fuck is he?”
“There’s only one person who knows. Don’t get me wrong, he’d kill for us, but he only confides in Dax. I have an idea, but it isn’t our place or story to tell.”
Robbie says, “You should also know Law’s ready to fly here and yell. He’s more bark than bite, but his bark is pretty fucking awful. I’ll tell him it’s cool.”
He signs my hat:
Don’t fuck it up, firecracker—Robbie Danson.
I left eleven messages today.
Look at Claire and Robbie, and the way they have each other’s backs. Or how they all have Hayden’s back. I thought he had mine, he let me feel safe and protected and then he cracked it all open for this stupid job. The job that I’m not so sure is worth any of this.
* * *
A couple of restless nights and more floor chicken and I’m ready for a different life. Not the one I’m creating without him in a mess of confusion of old take out. I finish the most important email of my life and I’ve barely sent it when my phone rings. I have over nine months of vacation I’ve never taken, and I just requested three months of it, effective immediately.
“Hello, Eva.”
“Bette, I’ve just received the most disturbing email of my life.”
And then there’s a knock at my office door. Rinaldi storms in with Eva right behind him on the phone with me. She speaks into her phone instead of to me in person. “I’ll be unable to speak to you unless it’s this way.”
I keep the phone to my ear. They’re wearing circus tents. Literally red-and-white wide-stripe jumpers that bell out at their knees.
I look at Rinaldi but speak in my phone. “I barely pushed send and Vancouver Bob can handle things for the next twelve weeks.”
It’s a fucked-up thing to get a new job and then leave it for three months, but miraculous things happened the last time I spent three months doing something completely out of character.
Eva screams into the phone, “Don’t speak to me. Speak to Rinaldi!” I put the phone down and repeat everything I’ve just said to him. Then pick up the phone again to speak to her.
She says, “We’ll take it under advisement. I need to hum.” And she does, loudly. She’s humming Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way” for no real reason except it’s like fucked-up hold music.
Rinaldi steps forward and touches my sleeve, then the top of my head. He rubs the space between my brows as I look into his lovely dark eyes. Eva’s now chanting and Rinaldi leans down and whispers, “Go, my lamb. Go with all the blessings I have. She will never forgive you, but I always will. Do what you must.” Then he presses his lips to my forehead.
Eva stops chanting nonsense and says into the phone, “He opened your third eye. Do not waste it! Tell him to meet me at the door.”
I turn to Rinaldi. “Thank you for understanding and for the third eye thing. Eva will meet you at the door.”
He nods, then turns and takes two steps to join Eva at the door.
She says into the phone, “Goodbye, Bette Miller.”
Goodbye, indeed. It’s probably time to let Bette Miller go. Goodbye, Bette Miller.
BETTE
I don’t sleep since he left, so I write to Kris. It’s been awhile since I’ve practiced this particular form of journaling and religion. She always manages to answer me in some way, and I need her because I’m starting to not recognize who I am again. I take out paper and a pen; she always insisted we write, not text or email. She wanted a physical thing to hold onto and I guess I need that now.
Kris,
I’m the boss and I hate it. My mom says it will get better but this is a woman who stayed married to a man she didn’t truly love for like forever. Where’s Hayden? I’m taking a couple months off starting next Monday and either my shredded heart heals or I actually learn to knit. He’s just gone, and I can’t move on or even really start. I haven’t unpacked my office to avoid places we were together so I work in the conference room.
I could have called him out on his shit and talked about it all. Instead I barreled through and it’s unlike me not to consider all the possible outcomes. I was so shocked and hurt by what I heard he was going to do and then when I put it all into business perspective, I thought we were even.
