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The air around me tenses, crackling as she says his name out loud. A name that’s no longer safe to say. It feels like if I say it, it will allow him to find me somehow.
“I’m not…to blame for what…P—” I croak, and my throat closes.
“That’s okay. How about if we change it to he if you’re not comfortable using his name yet?”
Leaning across, I pick up my glass of water and take a long sip.
It’s just words. I can do this.
Why is it so hard anyway? I know words don’t really have power and meaning, but my mind’s refusing to cooperate and believe it.
My eyes fall closed as I practice breathing for a moment, then I try again. “I’m not to blame for what he did to…me.” The last word comes out quieter, harder to admit, and my face starts tingling, hands clutching tightly at my sweatshirt.
“Good, Rosy. And again?”
I still can’t see her. My eyes refuse to open. Her words seem louder, circling me with a supportive nudge.
“I’m not to blame for what he did to me,” I repeat, and it comes a little easier this time.
“Once more?”
“I’m not to blame for what he did to me,” I say louder. Even though my voice shakes, it’s stronger.
“Really good. I want you to repeat this to yourself every day. I’m not going to give you a certain number of times to say it, but I want you to say that phrase out loud at least once a day,” Linda requests.
For some reason, it makes me itch to be on the receiving end of someone’s praise.
“We’ll meet for our next session at the same time next week?” she says.
After agreeing and ending the video call, I see a couple of message notifications.
Steph
I miss your face.
This at least feels normal. Steph’s not changed the way she sees or speaks to me, and I know if I needed to talk to her about everything, she’d listen. She has on the occasions I’ve braved voicing some of my thoughts. Most of the time, this is what I need from her. To still hold on to the routine of the past me.
Bringing my face closer to the phone, I turn on the front camera and snap an unflattering close-up and send it to her.
Me
Better?
Steph
Sometimes I forget how attractive you are, then you surprise me with all that beauty.
Me
How are the exams going?
Steph
Awful. I don’t think I have a brain at all. I think it’s just an echoing pit with no ability to retain information. How did today’s session go?
My eyes narrow at her dramatics. She’s one of the smartest people I know. Not only did she study for her first degree, she’s now undertaking her master’s. So I don’t believe her when she doubts herself like that.
Me
