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And it had all been a lie.
The one time in her life that she’d felt honestly sexual and desirable, and it hadn’t been real.
She’d told Grace she could handle it. She’d told her it was just sex and she could enjoy it for what it was. But apparently that wasn’t true, because Shane’s lies didn’t make the sex any worse. It didn’t change the fact that she’d enjoyed his body and come harder than she ever had before. But it was all ruined now. It all felt sordid and shameful.
Had he been laughing at her? Or had it just been triumph inside him as he’d talked her into touching herself for him? Putting on a show?
She couldn’t believe she’d done that. It had seemed fun and scandalously good at the time, and now it all just felt awful.
“Bastard,” she choked out past her tears. She was good at trusting people, but not that way. Not with her body. She’d been shy that way her whole life, and her teen years had felt like a world populated by predators. Teenage boys who didn’t want to date her, but felt like they had the right to comment on her body any time they wanted. Male friends who liked the pretty, confident girls but occasionally noticed her enough to honor her with a crude offer. As if she should feel lucky they’d bother to get a hard-on and toss it her way.
She’d finally managed to lose her virginity in her senior year of college. Not because she’d really wanted the boy she’d slept with, but because it had felt as if she wouldn’t ever want anyone that way, and she might as well get it over with.
It hadn’t been bad. They’d dated for a few months. It had gotten better. Then she’d successfully avoided sex for a few years, only to stumble back into it with Kenneth. Another dud, but he’d been sweet, at least. And so pleased with her naked body that she’d tried to lose a little of her modesty. But she’d never let go of her self-consciousness. Not until Shane, when she’d managed it, if only for a few stolen, heated moments.
She wanted to think that meant there was hope for her. That she was maturing and starting to find her way through the complicated world of sex. But she was worried that it really meant she’d never be able to do it again. Because now she wouldn’t just be thinking about her body and her heart and her sexual performance, she’d be thinking that it was all an out-and-out lie. A tool used for her humiliation.
God. Maybe she’d just give it up.
But maybe she couldn’t. Because the worst thing he’d done was give her a taste of what was possible.
“I hate him,” she groaned, scrubbing her face with her shirt, and vowing not to cry anymore. She hadn’t even finished the thought when more tears fell. They’d been friends, damn him. They’d been more than that.
Tears still streaming down her face, Merry gathered up her pitiful pile of belongings and walked out of Providence. She turned around and gave it one last look, defying all the standard advice about not looking back.
This place had been important to her. It could have been the one big triumph she’d needed to start her real life. That life that was waiting for her somewhere. A life where she wasn’t just a visitor wandering through.
Providence hadn’t ended up being that, but she still loved it. And the grief she felt as she got into her car and drove away was far bigger than anything she’d let herself feel for Shane. And so much easier to bear.
* * *
SHANE HAD KNOWN that sleeping with a neighbor was a bad idea, but he hadn’t realized just how bad an idea it was. He hadn’t imagined that just getting out of his truck and walking to his apartment would be a gauntlet of shame. A few torturous seconds of hoping he didn’t see Grace or Cole or even Rayleen. And all the while, half hoping he would see the one person who made him feel the worst.
Jesus.
He made himself walk slowly up the stairs, fighting the instinct to drop his head and hide his face.
He’d known what he was doing was wrong. He’d known he was deceiving her in more ways than one. But then, after a while, it hadn’t felt so bad anymore, because he hadn’t meant it anymore. In his own head, he’d known that he would go back and change it if he could, so it had seemed almost like an innocuous mistake. He wasn’t going to betray her. He wouldn’t say anything to the board. Nothing at all.
But he realized now that he’d jeopardized everything for her. She’d be fired just for having hired him. If anyone else found out, it would be a scandal. At the very least, she’d look foolish.
God. The regret was a physical pain inside him. An actual ache that burned through his gut, as if it were slowly devouring him.
What the hell had he been trying to accomplish, anyway? It had been underhanded and unnecessary, and if he’d planned it beforehand, he would have tossed the idea out. But she’d handed it to him, like a present with a bow on it, this opportunity to figure out what they were doing and why, and he’d told himself it was fine because he was doing the work she’d hired him for. Hell, he’d even done the work for free.
He wished he could take it back now. He’d give anything to take it back after he’d seen her face today. So terrible and wild as she’d cut him from her life without an ounce of regret. Now you know who I am, she’d raged.
And she was right. He had thought of her as harmless and sweet. Even after last night, he hadn’t
been that scared. She was a kind and forgiving soul and he could win her back. He could convince her he was sorry and he wouldn’t do it again. She’d forgive him because… Well, she had to. What other option was there? That he’d never get to touch her again?
But that was exactly the other option, because her face had been a picture of resolve. He’d glimpsed a strength he’d never seen in her before. A bravery.
In fact, that was the only option, because what else could he want from her? Love? Commitment? He couldn’t do that. Had he expected her to forgive him and then go back to no-strings-attached sex?
As if to remind him of exactly who he was and what he had to offer a woman, Shane’s home phone rang. He didn’t bother ignoring it. As bad as his mood was, he might as well get it over with.
“Mom,” he said simply.
