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The woman understood him, always had. From her, he’d learned about closeness and trust. Never once had she let him wallow in uncertainty or self-defeat. Instead, she’d constantly assured him that nothing could hold him back but himself. Ultimately, she’d helped him mesh a new life with a new identity so he could become the man he was today.
Could that man possibly make Heavenly happy?
“I know you help masochists back in LA,” Gloria went on. “But do you need to? More than you need her?”
Fuck. “Thanks for not asking the hard questions.”
“You don’t come to me for easy. I pointed you down a sadist’s path to help you then, but I’ve always suspected that someday you’d take a different one. Maybe that day is here. Did you think you’d need that outlet forever?”
“Um…yeah.” It was ingrained in his habits, his psyche, his cock. “How do I make the sadist in me stop wielding a paddle or a whip? That’s like the surgeon in me cutting off my hand.”
She sent him a quelling stare. “Being a surgeon is a calling. Being a sadist is a choice.”
“Oh, then I’ll just find my local twelve-step program and quit beating asses cold turkey. No problem.”
“I didn’t say it would be easy or happen overnight. If Heavenly becomes your priority, your needs will probably change. And you never know, she might meet you halfway.”
Beck scoffed. “Do I need to show you her picture again?”
“How do you know she won’t surprise you? I did. The first time you saw me, you saw a hooker working a street corner. Did you think then I’d become your parental figure, lover, and wife-of-convenience?”
She had him there.
“When are you supposed to see her again?” Gloria asked.
“Next Monday.”
“That gives you a little over a week to figure out whether you’re going to remain just her friend…or be her everything.”
“I would love to be her everything. I just don’t know…” If he was the man for her. If Heavenly could accept him—flaws, kinks, and cravings. If he could fulfill her.
“Oh, honey. I understand. Your ghosts are haunting you. But it’s time to move forward.”
He froze. “Ghosts?”
“Come on. You’re too self-aware to play dumb. Heavenly sounds an awful lot like Blessing.”
The moment her memory whispered through his brain, Beck broke out in a sweat. The air thickened, choking him with regret.
He tried hard never to allow that.
“No. Heavenly is self-sufficient and determined. And so damn proud. She’s broke but chose to starve rather than ask for my fucking help. She pushes back…but now I buy her lunch every day. Trust me, she’s the last woman who’d ever let a man run her life. She’s not Blessing.”
“Okay, calm down. Just…if you decide to pursue Heavenly, make sure it’s not because you’re trying to atone.”
He fell deadly cold. “I can never atone.”
She tangled her fingers in his. “Ken, you have to forgive yourself someday.”
He jerked away.
“Try. Please.” Gloria sighed. “For me.”
Beck didn’t want to dig through the rubble of his past, pick open his years-old scars, and bleed. What would it change? But she never asked him for anything, goddamn it. And he respected her too much to refuse.
“Fine.”
“You know, if you want to talk, I’m always here for you.” She stood and dropped a hand on his shoulder. “And now I’ve got to get gorgeous for work.”
He watched as she hurried out of the kitchen. As she disappeared, he strode to the refrigerator and studied its contents. While Gloria showered and readied for work, he prepared pork fried rice, steamed vegetables, and a fresh fruit salad. Usually, he found cooking therapeutic, but tonight there was no joy as he sliced, diced, and stirred. His mind raced.
What was he going to do about Heavenly?
When dinner and small talk ended, Beck cleaned the kitchen. By the time he dried the last dish, he felt as if he’d engaged in a mental masturbation marathon. Worse, he was no closer to an answer. God, his friends would laugh their asses off if they had any clue how utterly an innocent blue-eyed blonde had long ago annihilated Shadows’ big, bad sadist. And how close a second one was to doing it again.
He slammed the dishwasher shut, then yanked his phone from his pocket, staring at his photo of the crux of his discontent.
If you decide to pursue Heavenly, make sure it’s not because you’re trying to atone.
Beck shoved his phone back in his pocket with a disgruntled curse. Fuck, was he subconsciously trying to repeat history so he could rewrite it? That couldn’t be his fascination with Heavenly…right? These feelings he couldn’t fight must be a sign she was something more.
“I’m ready,” Gloria called. “I’ll be back about nine tomorrow. Try to keep the overnight party to a dull roar. My neighbors think I’m respectable.”
He did his best to smile, but his head was too crowded. The walls were closing in. He had to get out of here and think. “Why don’t you let me drop you off?”
