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"Every once in a while I'll see him at a meet and it's as fresh as if it had happened yesterday."
"Who's him? The coach?"
She nodded. "There's a reason why I said what I did to you yesterday about Kova. I know you denied it and all, but I was worried and didn't want you to go through what I did."
My chest deflated. "Holly? If you don't want to tell me anything, you don't have to."
"I want to," she said, still unable to look at me. So I closed my mouth and let her speak. "He was a coach I grew up with, someone my family was friends with, and someone we all put trust into."
She shook her head and mumbled to herself but I caught it.
It's always the ones you never suspect.
Holly took a deep breath and continued. "There was something about him that felt off. He was so mean, but he got results, so I never questioned what he was doing. None of us did. He was the coach and that was that, you know?
"But then…something changed. I can't pinpoint when, or why, but…he…there was this time, no, a bunch of times…" She sighed. I knew where this was going without her saying it, so I did.
Softly, with compassion, I said, "He touched you."
Her uneasy eyes lingered on mine for a moment before she blinked, and said, "Yeah. A lot. I didn't know that he shouldn't. I mean, that's not true. I know now it was wrong, but at the same time he was someone more than a coach, and I thought it was okay because why else would I think it was wrong? We're so isolated, people could never understand this sort of lifestyle is normal for us. Being close with our coaches, traveling alone with them, looking at them almost like a parent. We idolize them. I’m not stupid. I know no parent would ever touch me the way he did, but I didn't think it was wrong either. I know I’m not making any sense, you probably don't know what I mean." She sighed again, resigned, and I was saddened by this news.
I knew exactly what she meant. I'd heard it all before. It was something that happened all the time in the gym world. Now I knew why she was worried about me.
"You don't have to explain it. I know."
Her chest fell. "I spiraled out of control and I went on this crazy boy train. I skipped practice, hooked up with guys from school, snuck out at night, talked back to my parents. I was a mess. All the while my amazing coach," she said sarcastically and rolled her eyes, "kept molesting me and making me feel so disgusting. I thought if I went out with boys I actually liked, that it would be okay."
"If he made you feel that way, why'd you keep going back?"
She shrugged helplessly. "Sometimes I felt like I didn't have a choice. I was becoming a really good gymnast. I guess I thought I owed it to him. He was so manipulating, though. I never saw him for who he truly was until it was too late." She paused, her voice dropping like she was embarrassed. "I had to go to therapy for it."
I frowned. "How old were you when this happened."
A tear slipped from the corner of her eye. She quickly wiped it away.
"I was nine when the touching began. It stopped when Kova bought the gym. I was almost fifteen then." My brows shot up. This was more recent than I was aware. I recalled Kova telling me a story about how he’d fired a coach the day he purchased World Cup for his abusive treatment. I didn't realize it was Holly's coach. "Can you believe I cried on Kova's shoulder and thanked him? I was mortified, but I was so happy too. Kova threatened him and he never came back." Holly was quiet for a moment, like she was deep in her thoughts. "I wish Kova had come to the gym sooner. He saved me. I don't know what I would've done without him."
Fifty-Three
I stared at Holly, wishing there was something I could say or do to help her, but I knew there were no words that would bring her comfort.
"Kova didn't call the police?"
"He called my parents. Kova wanted to call the police, but my parents begged him not to. He swore he wouldn't. If that wasn't enough, like any parent when they hear their daughter is being sexually abused, they wanted to pull me and my brother from World Cup and basically lock us in our home. They put complete trust and faith into that coach and he took advantage. They didn't want it to happen again. I was devastated. God, I was so upset. I apologized thinking, it was my fault, but looking back, I don't blame them. If it were my daughter, I'd react the same way."
Dread ran through me. I'd heard this story one too many times. "So he got away with it," I said, and she nodded. "And you thought the same thing was happening with me."
She looked up and wrapped her arms around herself. "I have thought that for a little while now. It was strange though, like you didn't look at him the way I did when I looked at my old coach. And Kova doesn't have those creepy eyes when he looks at you," she said, surprise lacing her tone. "I thought something was going on, I just didn't know what, but after what I went through and after all the therapy, I felt strongly about speaking up to you. I didn't want you to go through what I did."
I contemplated how far I should take this conversation, whether or not to reveal a secret that could jeopardize more than one life, or watch her drown in her memories and imagine the worst. I wanted to tell her, my gut said to risk it, but the less anyone knew the better. However, the need to soothe her damaged heart consumed me.
Holly continued, her voice splintered with each word. She reminded me of a crystal vase—the slightest tap would permanently break it.
"You know how there's a strict dating rule?" she said, voice low. I nodded. "It's because of me. There's things you don't know… that no one knows about."
"One time Hayden mentioned something about the dating rule and you, but he refused to say anything more. I tried to pry it out of him. That boy is solid as a rock. He wouldn't budge."
Despair layered her words. "Hayden is protective. I'm kinda glad he never told you. It's embarrassing."
